Rivers

When the World crashes, when the sound and feel of the crash is more than I can bear, I seek Water.  For a Piscean fish, to be too far from my greatest source of comfort, is to find the very act of breathing becomes impaired and my judgement and balance is nowhere to be found.

But there is one source, here in this Ice-locked Land, here where one cannot see the Water beneath the Ice-covered Lakes. There is one place I can go to throw the garbage which threatens to overwhelm me.

The Fraser River runs strong and true through the Cariboo. Ice covers the shore, trying with desperation to stop the flow of Water which seeks the Ocean.  Ice does not match the strength of the great Fraser.

Today, I packed up my emotions, tying them tightly into a bundle of woe.  As difficult as it might be to let go and let Creator, I know, with strong intuition, to hold on to bothersome thoughts and actions will only create more anguish. 

I am tired of anguish, and so I hold on to the railing of the old bridge which still, after all these years, is navigable. The sense of history surrounds me here, and even with the vicious cold, I feel comfort emanating from the River which rushes on beneath me.

I try and take photos, but it is too cold.  My camera only gives me blurred images...much like what I see with eyes filled with tears.  This is a difficult thing which I have set for myself and yet I accept the challenge given to me. I have endeavoured to do less; it is not working.


I am alone, here on the bridge.  I have walked a ways, with North Wind as my companion. It is fitting to walk into the cold, clear arms of this North Wind...his strength and clarity will give me recovery on this strange road I must take.

I must break ties, I must cut the cord which threatens to wrap itself far too tightly around my emotions, my senses and my being.  It is time to rid myself of the belittling thoughts which occur in the deep night, when the World lies sleeping.

I say the Serenity Prayer, over and over.  Strength comes out of nowhere, even as I ask for it.  Wisdom, as well.  It is only Serenity which will take its time in finding me.


Serenity will be mine, after I have thrown my package into the churning, freezing Waters of the Fraser. But I find I want to nurture my strongly wrapped package just a little longer...and I ask Wind...Is this the right thing to do? The consequences are so great. Please help...
 
Wind shrieks, tugging at my hair and my jacket. The rushing Waters and the sound of North Wind blends...I feel as if I am in a maelstrom of churning, dark, reeking sensations. Wind asks...Do you want these ties to follow you on for the rest of your days? Do you really want that? 


Suddenly, I am past thinking about the frauds that exist, the scams that have followed me, even here to the Cariboo, the farthest North I have ever been.  Suddenly, without further query, my package falls far below to the fast Waters.

I weep...strong, silent tears which, even as they fall, are whipped away by the North Wind. I begin to see clarity. I begin to lose the desperation, loss, anger and fear which has defined my days, hours and minutes.


I have survived much worse than this.  And my belief that there is a reason behind every action will comfort me, in the days ahead. While life may look darkly upon me, at this moment, I feel a strong sense of relief.  The heavy weight on my chest is receding.


My balance returns.  Whereas before, I felt I was in the middle of a tidal wave which smashed me upon the shore with a force for which I have no words...now the dizziness and disorientation which has coloured my days moves off into the far distant horizon.


Tears are beginning to cleanse the inner helplessness and anguish. I am thankful I have the knowledge and strength to deal with loss and grief, as difficult as it is.

Once more, the grieving process results in transformation.  I will go on, a little wiser, a tiny bit tougher...

When the World crashes, when betrayal abounds and the heart hurts with a ferocity that makes breathing difficult, letting go, cutting cords, something I do not do lightly, lets me continue on with this strange journey I have chosen.

It is only another learning process, after all. 

Otherworldly Dreaming

I look outside this morning, and there is nary a cloud to be seen. Sun's warm rays brighten Daffodils' shiny, eager faces even more, making them shiver with delight.

Red Tulips, sensuous in their silken cups, line the path, sending a siren's scent, lingering...overpowering at times, soft and gentle at others. They seem to preen themselves with Sun's rays even more than usual, this morning.

Sun chases the last vestiges of a soul-speaking dream I had last night; the message given has not been deciphered as yet...

Sodden, it was...dripping and gurgling, sloshing and splashing...I was in a world of Water. I was not in my cumbersome physical body, I was only an eye, an eye that was ever aware of each nuance of the droplets of Rain and flowing streams that surrounded me.

Objects and Beings that came to me in my watery World shimmered silver at times and became gauzy grey at others, obscured by bubbling froth. My Soul's eye recognized these incandescent energy signatures, connecting with each as it passed through in a small whirlpool of wavering thought.

There was the Cat, sleekly gliding through heavy moisture, his eyes burning into my Soul, telling me to be aware, offering protection from deceit. Eagle, a frequent enough visitor in my daylight hours for me to nickname him Scree, glided by on a stream of Water, offering me the gift of farsightedness. He tells me his tales of prosperity and success...he tells me not to fear failure, for without failure there is no success.

An avalanche of Pebbles and Stones floated by, each turning and winking a bright light, each a warm bastion of strength in this uncertain watery place I found myself in. My spiritual guides for this journey had arrived.

I became a slithering droplet of water, with the ability to adapt and become entirely mutable, independent of other's words and thoughts. I experienced the silky sensation of runneling down a Flower petal, gathering with other droplets in the heart of the Flower.

I became a Raindrop, freezing into a Snowflake. I joined other droplets, gathering in pools, small and large. I entered the Ocean, tasting the brine. I kissed the tops of Trees, before running down to invite their thirsty roots to drink.

I became a Tear, sliding down a downy baby cheek, or gathering in the deeply carved fissures of an elder's face. I learned that different Tears for different Beings feel the same.

I tasted hard baked Sand and Dirt; I gave a small, insignificant flower, a survivor of neglect, a kiss to nourish its weak growth. I wanted to give it hope.

I fell through pollutants and tasted acid, making my soul curl and shrivel up in disgust, sadness and fear.

I merged with a dewdrop, I extinguished a burning forest, I slaked the thirst of a runner...

I opened my unconscious, closed energy and allowed it to flow freely, allowed it to be submerged and cleansed in the Water of Life.

But when I became aware, in my dream, that I was dreaming, I felt my body return, my guides leave, and I knew I would soon waken.

I am a Pisces; I dream of Water often. It is an entirely comfortable place for me to be. It is the first time I have experienced being a drop of Water, however. It is a difficult dream to describe...feelings and emotions were fleeting, hard to catch and hold. Always, Water in my dreams reflect my emotional status... so what did an insig- nificant droplet of Water have to tell me?

A glimpse into another World, it seems.

I would awaken to the sound of Raindrops being driven against the window by a strong Wind. Without a doubt, I thought, the morning would bring clear weather.

I snuggled in, leaving otherworldly dreams behind...to be dissected in the morning.

Winter Virus

This past weekend, both Graham and I tangled with what I call a Winter Virus. These viruses worm their insidious way into my body, which has many defenses put in place by me. As a result, Winter Viruses rarely last long...but while they do, while I am fighting a Virus War...I focus on being well.

And for the first time in a long while, I did all that focusing from the comfort of the living room couch. I was down...out for the count. For a period of about two days, although I fought it, all I wanted to do was sleep.

Eventually, as I still tried to do day to day living chores, I wondered why I was working so hard to ignore the droopy eyes, the pain in my joints, the rumbling belly, the incredible weariness. Sometimes, beating my head against a brick wall and not accepting the circumstances becomes just too stupid.

I lowered myself onto that couch, not even moving the pillows adorning it...pillows that make it impossible, usually, to sit comfortably. I fell into an instant sleep, interspersed with dreams of water, coloured lights, fields of green... and words of comfort from someone, a woman I do not know... which I instantly forgot upon awakening.

I woke a few hours later, convinced I had only been there for a few minutes. I lay curled between the pillows, in a position I would never allow my body to be in for long, had I been aware. Graham later said it was a toss-up as to whether he should wake me and move me...or let me sleep.

He probably felt I was going to emulate Grandfather Bear either way.

I sprang up...a mistake. Sinking back into those wonderfully comfortable, now squished beyond recognition, pillows, I closed my eyes. I wanted to return to those dreams and the lady who whispered such words of comfort. I drifted and re-visited, and wandered among green, green fields...fields of Spring.

Bees and birdsong, warm, shifting breezes, the scent of lavender...all these offered solace to my felled body, soothed and gave me tranquillity and ease.

At other times I felt I was underwater, floating in a warm, viscous blue fluid, feeling weightless... renewed. I felt awe, too, at the way such comfort was being given to me, here in my dream state.

Shafts of yellow, orange and pink light pierced the fluid surface of the water; suddenly I found myself once more wandering in that emerald field enclosed in that golden light. It was so comfortable. I cannot begin to tell you how warm and hopeful the atmosphere was where I found myself in my dream.

I felt so well! In this field, I did not have to force myself to do anything...I wanted to, needed to! My legs did not feel weak and watery...they were strong and ready to walk. I could breathe fresh, warm air...no more stuffed up nose. All the ailments that the Winter Virus plagued me with disappeared...and I revelled in it. I wanted to immerse myself within the greeny golden light that surrounded me, roll in the impossibly green grass I walked upon.

This time, as I drifted towards wakefulness, I remembered the field and the water...but most of all I remembered how well I felt, in the green.

I spent another day yesterday giving in to rest and warmth. I drank so much water...it seemed my thirst could not be quenched. And last night, I slept a full nine hours straight.

The Winter Virus has not fully been vanquished. Graham, who suffered his own battle with it over the weekend, has emerged the victor this morning. I started out like gang-busters upon arising; but I am recognizing signs of the Virus attempting a comeback.

It will only be a slight skirmish, however...I will just wander back to the field of Green, a colour I use often for healing with Reiki, and allow the golden light to give me further energy.

Winter Viruses cannot last when I finally become aware of what the Universe and all knowledge since the beginning of time is telling me. I just like to believe my mind is clouded with the Winter Virus, and that's why it takes me so long to see that rest and fluids are required behavior! Not laziness!

And using visualizations, dreams, colours and Reiki certainly helps too!

A Watery World

I took a walk around the garden in pouring Rain this morning; I sloshed through Water in Puddles and small Lakes and Rivers.

Water every- where. Sounds around me are full of swishes, drips, gurgles, bubbles...and the booming song of the waves upon the Beach.

I meditated as I wandered, scarcely noticing the pelting Rain. There is an unease to my spirit these days; this morning I pinpointed the cause.

The Holiday Season is upon me. I can no longer deny it. Everything seems to be decorated. There are decisions to make...dinners and such. And once again, I will face the anniversary of my daughter Katrina's death.

It will be ten years since she moved irrevocably on...without me, her mother, to help her along her way, on December 30th. The strong, piercing pain that once throbbed within me no longer darkens December days further than wintry skies alone.

But there is still an ache. A soft, gentle ache that closes my throat, making me swallow hard. A hard knot in my solar plexus and easy tears where my emotional body needs succor completes the picture.

I don't believe it will ever lessen further. The huge, crashing waves of emotion that used to swallow me entirely are no longer as large and overwhelming. Smaller, softer waves of longing and sadness now tickle my toes...just enough to keep me aware of that heavy ache Katrina's death left with me.

She was my child. There is a disorder...a twist... that happens when a child dies before the parent, even if she was twenty-three. Life is not supposed to happen this way. But it did. It just did.

And it happens to many of us parents. I wanted my child to be safe; I did everything I could to do that very thing that is such an important part of parenting. I know that. And I am grateful for the time that Creator allowed Katrina to be a part of my life.

As I sloshed through the Water...Water that tugged and pulled at my emotions...I remembered some of the things Katrina taught me. One lesson that is still with me, always, is when she told me that just because she didn't show her emotions didn't mean she didn't feel them.

And there were many more lessons...Katrina's patience was legendary. Her non-judgemental attitude taught me to let things go, to not obsess wildly about events I could do nothing about. Some of her lessons did not become apparent until after her death...it was her legacy.

But I find myself wondering, at times...what would Katrina do in a case like this? And always, always the answer comes. And I carry on, knowing our family has the greatest guardian there ever was.

Acceptance, after many years of anguish and sorrow and anger, has finally arrived. I used to think, in my youth, that after someone died, I would spend a day or two in sorrow...and then "put it behind me". I used to think I knew what acceptance was.

A watery world...in which my tears flowed, just as suddenly as the strange little Rivers that have forged their way through my backyard. It felt just as cleansing as the Earth did, after sheets of Rain and gusts from Wind showered her clean.

I need to have days like this...my spirit calls out for it. I need to weep...and so I do. These are different tears than angry or happy tears. There is no end to these. Sometimes the dam they're in needs to overflow.

And a watery world is just the place to let them.

Ocean Whispers

Have you ever wandered by the Ocean shore, and listened to the whispering of the waves, imagining what the Waters have seen? The sibilant sounds of the waves as they wash to shore can easily transport me to different realms.

I can imagine I am walking by a tropical Sea, if I want, with soft, warm breezes. Or, if a recent storm has stirred up the ocean, and a cold wind blows, perhaps I visualize myself by a northern Sea.

Ocean called me the other day. Waves were pounding on the shore, punishing the rocks and sand on the beach. Wind was howling...I had the thought that it was perfect picture taking weather. But my camera does not work well in inclement weather any more...

And so I just wandered along, enjoying the sounds and Wind without having my attention taken away by a perfect picture opportunity. And I listened to what the angry, tumultuous Ocean was trying to tell me.

There was little wildlife about this day. A few Sea Gulls swooped and swerved with Wind, calling their distinctive cry. I found a perfect rock to on which to sit, and I watched the hypnotic waves pound the sand a few feet from me. My thoughts travelled to what I had read about Water, and what its magical properties were.

Water is immensely responsive to Spiritual vibrations. Experiments done by Dr. Masara Emoto from Japan shows that the crystalline structure of water is dramatically changed by the vibrations it has been subjected to. It is a living substance, with its own life process and its own Spirit.

Theodor Shwenk (1910-1981) a hydrological engineer, proved that Earth is a living organism, with Water as its sensory organ. Water perceives vital Cosmic influences, transmitting these into Earthly life, showing, with dramatic results, how the differences in our thought patterns changes the crystalline structure of Water.

Water comes in various stages of ripeness...from juvenile water to mature water. Juvenile water is not good for our health, it needs to gather up to 33-36 different trace minerals after it falls to the earth as Rain. It seeps through Earth, gathering these minerals, and emerges as Spring Water, becoming mature in the process. Juvenile water, along with distilled water, has a mineral leaching effect on our bodies, because this Water is "hungry", needing these minerals in order to mature.

Water remembers. It absorbs the vibrational patterns from other substances in its crystalline structure, long after the actual substance has disappeared, and is no longer in the Water.

As I sat on this flat, comfortable rock, with Wind blowing water droplets from Ocean over me, I wondered if I could ask Water to remember the treasures it had surely come into contact with...the treasures of Gold from pirates long dead, or the mindset of long ago civilizations. What knowledge would Water share with me this afternoon?

As I drifted into meditation, the howl of Wind and the crashing of Ocean Waves receded, and a soft, warm breeze enveloped me. The shrill cry of the Gulls disappeared, and song birds twittered in the Forest that suddenly sprang up behind me. Waves slowly washed ashore, bringing a gentle sense of peace and well-being.

Water is Earth's sensory organ; it picked up on my thoughts and showed me how I could change, just by believing, the reality of my life. It proved this thought well this afternoon, and it has stayed with me. I have dreamt many dreams of what Water showed me that day.

Before I went to the beach, my thought patterns were all about security...a richness... I felt I didn't have. My mind was focused on debt, on health problems and a million other negative ways of thinking. I did not think I was mired in negativity; rather, I thought I was trying to find the solution. But the thoughts I was sending out to Ocean were filled with unhappiness, even if I was not aware of it.

Ocean took my thoughts, swirled them around, washing them clean, and sent them back to me.

Suddenly I was surrounded with Gold. The rocky beach turned into a long space filled with golden spheres, some large bars of gold, others small golden coins...the beach was covered in them. The Rock I sat on became a throne, embedded with jewels. I saw myself giving the bounty I was in to deserving charities, I felt myself becoming secure and happy, knowing I could do whatever I wanted to do. I heard the words...Ask and Believe.

Had I ever expressly asked for Abundance, and what it means to me? Did I believe enough to understand that if I changed my thought patterns, the Universe would send me what I required in life? What if I didn't think of debt, but of a constant flow of cash, enough for my needs and others? What if I thought of myself as healthy, instead of arthritic? The rest of life's problems...could I change my thinking, change the words I used to describe them, to more positive terms?

And would I be able to sustain the belief that with thought changes abundance in all things would occur? Water told me to Ask the Universe...that is the easy part. Even if I must remember, when I ask, that I use the proper terminology. I could ask for abundance in Cash, but I must remember, at the same time, to ask for abundance in Joy. There are many people who are wealthy who are unhappy, because they have forgotten Joy.

The hard part is believing, on a constant, flowing, ongoing basis. Every minute of the day, I must work at believing I already live with abundance. Even if I am stuck in sadness and fear...I must rework where I find myself, must find the balance and must know, deep within my soul, that the sadness and fear does not define me. It is not who I am.

Ocean's whispers, on this blustery, stormy day, told me who I am, told me I could have abundance of joy, health, money...whatever I want...in a manner I will never forget. The golden stones stay with me and permeate my dreams.

And suddenly, my dreams are filled with good things, with happiness and laughter and yes, wonderful security...enough for the rest of my life on Earth. No longer are they muddy and convoluted and sad, hard to decipher.

The human body is made up of at least 70 percent water. If water has memory, and I pollute that water in my body with negativity, could it not follow, then, that the water in my body would remember those heinous thoughts and react to them, giving me a different viewpoint than I really desire?

Water cleansed my thinking last week and changed it to a positive vibration. Ocean's whispers of other places and other times has taught me that even if I am not aware of how my thinking comes across, if it is in any way negative, the negative is attracted to more negativity, more unhappiness. It feeds on itself.

Just as joy does.

Note: This post has been entered in Kilroy's Carnival. Please visit to see other entries that were submitted. (November 19, 2007)