Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dream Breakthrough

It's been a whole year since we took ownership of our home in the Cariboo.  And I realized this morning, as flakes of Snow drifted down, covering the melting, dirty Snow once again, that most of it has been spent in Wintery conditions.

We have signs of Spring; the buds on the shrubs and bushes are swelling...even the buds on the Hydrangea bushes I planted last Summer are thickening. I am thankful.  Quite frankly, I did not expect any of the new plants to come through the onslaught of the Cold.

But with the weather forecast calling for Snow and more Snow...even now, when the Cherry blossoms are blooming in'll be awhile before my new plants and I can enjoy warmer weather.

Yet, even with cold weather, the Birds are in their full, delightful Spring song.  They congregate around the bird feeder in ever increasing numbers, their bright plumage standing out against the white Snow.

The other day, tired from cleaning and baking in preparation for company arriving, I sat down with a cup of Tea and my needlework.  My needlework is almost finished; much of my anxiety at not being outside and exercising has been poured into this canvas. I've discovered just how meditative needleworking can be.

But I was more tired than I had thought.  Soon, I drifted off, needle in hand and soft music from the seventies playing in the background.

I have had a recurring dream for as long as I can remember. In it, I am selling a house I am presently living in.  I show this house to other people, knowing full well there is another area to the home which I am not able to access.

In my dreams, there have been times when I am allowed a glimpse.  I remember one dream where I wandered through the dusty and cobweb-filled rooms, marvelling at the possibilities this part of the house had. 

The empty rooms were all finished with tall windows allowing the Sun to stream in.  They were dusty and dirty as if no one had ever cleaned them...or looked through them.  But the motes of dust danced in the shafts of Sunlight and the feeling here was one of loving comfort.

In this dream, I knew I must someday show this part of the made me so happy and I knew the house would sell if I could only show it to prospective buyers.

But it is rare to be allowed a glimpse, and I was saddened when I found the stairs back to the main home.  Was I ever going to be allowed to show this area, which was there, but seemed to be unattainable?

And so, when I drifted off in front of the fire the other day, I was surprised when my dream once more showed me this house.  Once more I was trying to sell it to prospective buyers.

For years, I have not attempted to find what I call the forbidden part, when I dream of this house.  This dream was no exception...I no longer agonize over finding it.  And since I am quite often "awake" when I dream, I thought to myself...Not again! 

But I was warm and very comfortable, the way one can be when all work has been completed and all is right with the World. I decided to continue dreaming, wondering if I would catch a glimpse of the very private part of the home this time.

This dream seemed slightly different.  Things were askew in the home, which seemed odd to me as I was trying to sell it. The rooms were dark and dingy; it looked as if nobody had cared for it for a very long time.

I was puzzled.  I noticed my prospective buyers had melted away, and I was on my own. I wandered through, thinking this part of the home had certainly seen better days...why was the furniture all placed askew...why was the fireplace belching out dark billows of smoke? It became difficult to breathe here, in these darkened rooms.

Many Spiders, an Eagle and a Wolf suddenly appeared in one room, which looked like an extremely messy family room. I thought to myself... If these Animals had full run of this home, no wonder it was dingy and dirty.  And I tried to shoo them away.

But each Animal hovered close to me, seemingly pushing me towards a door I had not previously noticed. And as soon as I did notice it, I was filled with foreboding. more of these doors which led to nowhere...I was tired of them!  Did these yammering, excited animals not understand this simple fact?

It seemed not. I stood and looked at this strange curved door for a long while, ignoring the shoving of Wolf, the crawling Spider which insisted on circling my ear, and the wings of Eagle, who stirred up so much dust.

I pondered and pondered.  What a strange door! It was painted in dark greens and purples with odd carvings.  It was a rounded, arched door.  It was also securely closed with a strong latch. In all the dreams I had had previously, I had never noticed this door. And I did not want to undo the latch.

Yet I am known for wandering into circumstances where Fear stands strong.  I have known the face of Fear over the years, and he has become a companion, almost.  The face of Fear can dissolve into gentle understanding and perspective, given enough time.

I undid the latch and the door slowly opened, with great creaking at first, then quickly expanding to display a great, huge room, filled with light. 

And here I was, once again, back in the forbidden area which I had searched for so many times.

It was different.  Someone had placed an old shaggy carpet over the plank floors.  Someone had covered the windows with heavy drapery. And yet Light filled the room and the Air was sweet and clean and new. Once again, I felt filled with possibilities...and filled with knowledge that this time...I could make them happen.

My animal companions danced, seemingly with joy.  And suddenly, I was no longer the only human here...there were children playing, there were people I loved here with me. I was showing off this part of the house I had always admired but which I had never been able to share.

I stayed in my dream room a long while, it seemed to me.  I searched the entire room, marvelling at the treasures I found, and showing them to the people around me.  I threw open the drapes, loving the tall windows which let in streams of Sunlight. I noticed the gardens all around, a little overgrown, but with such charm!

There was much whispering amongst my animal companions. I understood their strange language...I knew that these rooms I was sharing was a part of me I had allowed no one to see.  The time had not been right before; the time to do so was now.  Instead of hankering for these light-filled, happy rooms...I was to live in them.

And with this understanding, the creaking door closed and melted away.  All I was left with was happiness and a very clear joy, in these new rooms which were filled with endless possibilities; with the very sure knowledge that whatever or wherever or however those possibilities were to arrive, the way forward would be paved and clear.

I was not required to go back through the door to the dark and dingy old part of this house.  When I awoke, my last memory was of children playing, the swoosh of Eagle wings, the warm body of the Wolf pressing against me, and the tickle of Spider on my ear.

And further, I awoke with such a feeling of joy I cannot express it  here. Huge, expansive and effervescent joy travelled back with me. I felt positively merry! I felt as if I had been re-born.

I broke through! My defences, my walls had crumbled down and I had allowed others to see who I was, without fear of reprisals.

And now, it seems all I have to do to feel the overwhelming joy is to remember the dream, during my daily chores.  Inevitably, the strange happiness will curl itself around me, like a warm hug.

Absolutely awesome!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Lovely Feelings in the Air!

Even though we are in the grip of an Arctic front, there is a special feel to the Air.  It is very, very cold and clear, with temperatures dipping to -30C...but you know what? I can hear Birds singing during the afternoon, and the wild Animals who call our place their home are on the move.

I see Deer, fully pregnant, wandering along with last year's offspring, one who is extremely curious about this home, where there is a deck with bars and railings.  And since we shovel Snow off the deck, of course there is only a little of the white stuff remaining on it.  This young Deer couldn't figure it out, so he/she thought it might be interesting to climb onto the deck to check it out.

He found the stairs, on the side where they are all covered with Snow.  I had taken the photos displayed here a little earlier, but was busy with something else at the time he tried this.

I heard a crash.  The Dogs, of course, went berserk, as you can imagine. Looking out of one of the windows which make up the South facing part of our home, I saw this young Deer spread-eagled on the icy part of the Deck.  I missed that photo by only a few moments, as I ran to find my camera...he was gone in what seemed like seconds, back down the stairs to find Mama.

Mama was browsing outside the fence.  I could imagine her thoughts as she watched her youngster leaping over the fence to join her.  I could imagine just what she thought of her foolish youngster who could not contain his curiosity.  Her thoughts would have been similar to all Mothers, Animal or Human, who cannot understand why their young would do something so very silly, endangering themselves in this manner.

Mama had been so careful with this one child.  She would hide him amongst the Trees, warning him to stand completely still. It was difficult to make him out when she did this, as he blended in completely.  His legs looked exactly like the branches of the bushes which surrounded him. 

But he was younger then, and still listened to his wise Mama.  But as the days went on, I noticed he was becoming a little more rebellious. Why was Mama browsing the fence line, eating the Rose hips which grew along the fence...without him?  Nothing happened to her, so why all the warnings?

Does this sound familiar to all those who try and try to bring up their children with safety, responsibility and warnings?

There are other Animals, not the least of which are the Predators, who follow Deer on their Spring march.  I have not been quick enough to take photos, sometimes becoming so involved in the watching. 

There is Wolf who wanders the fence line, stopping every so often to see if I'm still watching. He'll sometimes sit at one of the gates; it is as if he is projecting his thoughts to me.  Our Dogs are very quiet when he visits, pressing very close to my side. This, in itself, is very unusual for these two.  But the Dogs seem to understand that here is one Animal who is King in these parts.

Although I have not seen him, there is also Cougar, who makes his presence known by his screech, sounding so much like a human baby quite sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

Fox paid a visit, not long ago.  It is difficult for me to believe in the wildness of these creatures, and I can understand people who believe the opposite.  He is the funniest creature, leaping about much like Cats will. He mesmerizes me, which is just what he is doing to his prey at the moment...they don't know what this seemingly foolish Animal is doing, until it is too late and they become dinner.

And of course, there are the Coyotes who wake me with their racket after a kill.  It is celebratory...age old songs sung with anticipation of their fresh meal.

Moose wander through, leaping the fence with ease to find the Rose hips which Deer have left.  I have heard them in the evenings, but have only seen their droppings and their tracks, which are huge and unmistakable. I hear them snuffling and blowing Snow from their noses.  Again, the Dogs press close to me when these huge Animals appear under cover of the dark night.

There are many Owls, with wide spread wings. They sit so silently on the branches of the Trees, until they spot their prey. Without a sound, they pounce on whichever unfortunate creature happens by. Our Squirrel population is becoming much smaller...they are easy pickings as they jump and run over the Snow-covered fields.

Hawks are numerous, but Eagle has only appeared once or twice, even though there are many in the Summer.

Living here is a photographer's dream, if only this photographer had her camera linked to her body...

And so, even when the North Wind blows, letting us all know Old Man Winter hasn't loosened his grip quite yet, I know without a doubt that he is only an old geezer who doesn't want to let go.

His time here is on the wane and he must make way for the tender, loving arms of Lady Spring, and the lovely feelings of renewal she projects to the Human and Animal populations.

There is no better way to predict her arrival than to tune in to the Animals who appear.

And the next time Coyote sings his joyous song...I might just join in!

Thursday, March 05, 2009


When the World crashes, when the sound and feel of the crash is more than I can bear, I seek Water.  For a Piscean fish, to be too far from my greatest source of comfort, is to find the very act of breathing becomes impaired and my judgement and balance is nowhere to be found.

But there is one source, here in this Ice-locked Land, here where one cannot see the Water beneath the Ice-covered Lakes. There is one place I can go to throw the garbage which threatens to overwhelm me.

The Fraser River runs strong and true through the Cariboo. Ice covers the shore, trying with desperation to stop the flow of Water which seeks the Ocean.  Ice does not match the strength of the great Fraser.

Today, I packed up my emotions, tying them tightly into a bundle of woe.  As difficult as it might be to let go and let Creator, I know, with strong intuition, to hold on to bothersome thoughts and actions will only create more anguish. 

I am tired of anguish, and so I hold on to the railing of the old bridge which still, after all these years, is navigable. The sense of history surrounds me here, and even with the vicious cold, I feel comfort emanating from the River which rushes on beneath me.

I try and take photos, but it is too cold.  My camera only gives me blurred images...much like what I see with eyes filled with tears.  This is a difficult thing which I have set for myself and yet I accept the challenge given to me. I have endeavoured to do less; it is not working.

I am alone, here on the bridge.  I have walked a ways, with North Wind as my companion. It is fitting to walk into the cold, clear arms of this North Wind...his strength and clarity will give me recovery on this strange road I must take.

I must break ties, I must cut the cord which threatens to wrap itself far too tightly around my emotions, my senses and my being.  It is time to rid myself of the belittling thoughts which occur in the deep night, when the World lies sleeping.

I say the Serenity Prayer, over and over.  Strength comes out of nowhere, even as I ask for it.  Wisdom, as well.  It is only Serenity which will take its time in finding me.

Serenity will be mine, after I have thrown my package into the churning, freezing Waters of the Fraser. But I find I want to nurture my strongly wrapped package just a little longer...and I ask Wind...Is this the right thing to do? The consequences are so great. Please help...
Wind shrieks, tugging at my hair and my jacket. The rushing Waters and the sound of North Wind blends...I feel as if I am in a maelstrom of churning, dark, reeking sensations. Wind asks...Do you want these ties to follow you on for the rest of your days? Do you really want that? 

Suddenly, I am past thinking about the frauds that exist, the scams that have followed me, even here to the Cariboo, the farthest North I have ever been.  Suddenly, without further query, my package falls far below to the fast Waters.

I weep...strong, silent tears which, even as they fall, are whipped away by the North Wind. I begin to see clarity. I begin to lose the desperation, loss, anger and fear which has defined my days, hours and minutes.

I have survived much worse than this.  And my belief that there is a reason behind every action will comfort me, in the days ahead. While life may look darkly upon me, at this moment, I feel a strong sense of relief.  The heavy weight on my chest is receding.

My balance returns.  Whereas before, I felt I was in the middle of a tidal wave which smashed me upon the shore with a force for which I have no the dizziness and disorientation which has coloured my days moves off into the far distant horizon.

Tears are beginning to cleanse the inner helplessness and anguish. I am thankful I have the knowledge and strength to deal with loss and grief, as difficult as it is.

Once more, the grieving process results in transformation.  I will go on, a little wiser, a tiny bit tougher...

When the World crashes, when betrayal abounds and the heart hurts with a ferocity that makes breathing difficult, letting go, cutting cords, something I do not do lightly, lets me continue on with this strange journey I have chosen.

It is only another learning process, after all.