Thickets

In my last home, there were many hedge- rows and thickets, home to all manner of wildlife. It seems these copses of vegetation have followed me here, to intrude upon my well-ordered garden of peace. It seems I have grown an impenetrable thicket in my mind.

A thicket is defined as a number of trees and shrubs growing close together. Sharp twigs , branches, berry vines with darting, ripping thorns, entangling bindweed vines often reside along with the trees and Shrubs. If a thicket is impenetrable, if I try and try over and over again, to find my way through it...being ripped to shreds, each and every time...

Maybe it would be wiser for me to go around it.

Or, I could cut my way through that thicket. This would be drastic...years and years of growth have gone into these Shrubs, Vines and Trees...making it impossible to see the ground, a home, still, to many creatures.

But in order to rejuvenate this dense pocket of plant matter, the one I cannot barrel my way through, the one where I have run out of strength to try...it is not a bad idea to take the pruning shears, and do some gentle pruning. The trouble is, I cannot see where one Tree begins and another Shrub ends...

The pruning may turn out to be drastic, turning this wooded area into a neatly trimmed park- like setting, a delight to my eye and soul, with merciful, benign order to the intertwining plants.

Last week, I was involved in an insanely trying time, finding myself constantly in the middle of that untrimmed thicket. I do not like to disturb the order of things; if I had my way, I would be in the middle of a well-defined path, the way forward clear. As would most of us.

But Creator has other ideas. Here, in this unbelievable place, I was being stabbed by unsuspecting Vines that suddenly appeared, by branches without leaves that jabbed at my eyes..

So, lately, I have been the recipient of messages from Spirit; I think the belief is that I have better skills than I do at deciphering them, or perhaps I require the practice. The messages do heighten my awareness.

I was visited by Hawk and Snake, last week. Both were involved in a dangerous struggle. Traveling along a mountain- ous stretch of road to visit my family, we were held up by a vehicle that had caught fire. And so, when the traffic resumed, we were part of a long line of cars, going both ways on the narrow highway.

One of the largest Red-tailed Hawks I have ever seen suddenly rose up from the side of the road against the car directly in front of us. He had a very long Snake grasped in his claws...a Snake that was fighting with every bit of his being. The car slowed, its inhabitants shocked, but did not stop. The Bird slid and flapped away from this car; he and the Snake ended up on the road in front of our car. We did stop; and the Hawk, still grasping the struggling Snake, flew directly to my window. I looked deeply into his eyes...and then Snake impaled me with his gaze, as well.

I was awestruck. I felt the World stop and for a small moment I was in a different place. In an instant, I realized this was no ordinary occurrence...and I sent a silent Thank you to the two who were putting their lives at risk to show me their presence, with their kinds' resultant messages.

The Hawk and Snake veered off, into the thickly treed forest, and we continued, the whole episode soon out of sight.

But definitely not out of mind.

Hawk is the visionary of the Air, he holds the key to higher levels of consciousness. He sees the overall view. He reminded me to be very aware of omens and spirit messages. He shows me there is a greater intensity, than before, in the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual forces within me.

Snake...the symbol of transformation and healing...the symbol of Eternity. He is Fire medicine...ever changing, ever moving. Snake tells me my creative forces are awakening; my intuition will sharpen. He tells me I have the ability to experience life willingly...without resistance. He tells me all things are one and all things are created equally.

Both are Protectors, in the meaning of their forms. Both were involved in a life/death struggle. Air and Fire, with the element Air fueling Fire. This struggle the two were involved in puts me right back into my thicket, feeling the awful awareness of it all. And the futility, compared to Life/Death.

Fire in the car accident previous to Hawk and Snake's messages relayed enough inform- ation, put all together, for me to decide how to tackle the present thicket in my life.

I think it needs rejuvenation, I think some of those vines and dead vegetation have to be trimmed completely back, to start again, to transform this area into a place where peace and serenity are once more prevalent.

It is time to cut my losses. It is time to realize there are some parts of this tangled, twisted thicket in my mind that no longer serve...and it is time to do something about it.

In AA, there is a saying...Guard the entrance to your mind.

Some of the overgrown parts of this wooded, dark area will have to be cut...going around this particular mess of vegetation will keep it too close to the forefront. And I no longer want to be involved in this confused snarl of coiled, mixed-up vines and branches.

It is time to sharpen the shears.

A Prayer

Wrapping the blue jacket tightly around myself, I prepared to enjoy my nightly meditation with Nature. Sometimes, Wind is howling and Rain is driving spears of Water across the land.

Sometimes, it will be still, with a solid Cloud cover; sounds are muffled then...the chimes from the Town Hall sound as if a huge, woolen blanket had casually been thrown over the Tower.

This night, however, it was cold and clear. The day just passed had been sunny, albeit not very warm, unless one stayed directly in Sun's light. And Wind held a sharp edge, promising Snow.

With the light just fading from the Sky, I saw the first Star. As a child would, and as I do every time I see the first pinprick of Light in the Heavens, I wished upon it. And as I finished my wish...as I do every time...I recited to myself..."Twinkle, twinkle, little Star, How I wonder who you are, Up above the World so high, Like a Diamond in the Sky!"

I chuckled to myself. I am often such a creature of habit. Had I not recited this verse, it would have unsettled me. And the last thing I want, these days, is to further give myself any anxiety, no matter how small!

I let my mind wander at will; then it was time to speak.

Spirit, I said, Life has been difficult these last few months. Many troubling events have occurred. Many times, You have heard me rant on about something or other, not accepting, not forgiving, becoming judgmental. Wanting what I want on my time, not Yours.

I know, too, Spirit, that You have forgiven me for those transgressions, those marks on my character. I know it is I who must forgive myself.

I have not had time for reflection, for wondering, for thinking. I miss the times in the Garden. You knew how badly I needed a day outside, didn't you? Thank You for the warm day You sent today; I dug and dug and dug, grounding myself with Mother Earth's help.

It feels, lately, as if I am on a roller-coaster ride. Up and Down and all over the place Sideways. Spirit, I thank you for the deep faith I have had the good fortune to build upon over the years. It is standing me in good stead.

Thank You for the synchronicity in my day-to-day living. I only have to think I want a parking place, and one appears. I only have to wish upon a Star. And sooner or later, when the time is right, my wish becomes reality.

This is your promise to me. And, Spirit, I know You never break promises. But, at times, I just have a little trouble remembering.

Please take away the negativity...the black, terrifying moods...the fearful what-ifs. Could You just help me find the joy? Could You help me find the balance in all these situations that crop up? And could You, just this once, take another look at the load You have given me to carry? Perhaps some of those big boulders could be shed.

And while I'm asking for such huge help, probably overstepping my bounds...could You see fit to add a couple of hours to each 24 hour day...perhaps make it a 28 hour day? That could work. Just so I'll have more time to write...

What's good for me is good for everybody else, too, Spirit. I'm not unique; can You please give all the other beings and Mother Earth, too, the answers they seek? The wisdom they need?

Could we maybe work on the fear and lack of faith I run into every day? I know the old adage..."When fear comes knocking, you don't have to let him in"... but every so often, it's quicker than me, and sneaks its insidious way inside...

I almost forgot. I wanted to tell You how thankful I am that we are receiving Your greatest gift...a new baby soul. But you already know all that.

In fact, You already know all of my wishes, needs, requirements, and goals. But I'm glad we had this talk. It reminds me that I'm not in charge of my life.

Wind sharpened, blowing a hard, cold gust. A flock of Geese, late back from their feeding grounds, flew, loudly honking, overhead. I shivered, knowing without a doubt, that it was still February...we were still in the grip of Winter.

My meditation with Spirit was done.

Babies!

Lately, I can't seem to walk by baby stores, without going in and having a peek. I can't seem to look at baby photos without imagining myself holding a baby.

I dream about babies; I wonder what all the new, strange paraphernalia for babies is; I discuss babies at great length with other older people.

I must, by the grace of Spirit, be having another grandchild. Do ya think?

I have had dreams about this new soul entering our family for many years. I know the eyes; I feel strong, masculine energy, when I 'see' the baby; I 'feel' the weight of that tiny body encircled by my arms.

We won't be strangers, this new member of our family and I. We have already made our acquaintance, and it began eons ago. Just as the tie to my granddaughter did not have to be made upon her birth...the cord was already there.

They say babies' eyes are full of innocence. I don't agree...when I see a newborn baby, I see the wisdom of the Universe, for a short while after birth. The new soul is still very close to Spirit, and wisdom and knowledge shine out of the babe's eyes.

Even if my intuition told me my daughter, a career woman, was eventually going to have a baby, sometimes I despaired. I am ever so grateful for my granddaughter, who still has time for her Nammy, but is maturing and growing at a rapid rate. Rarely, now, do I get the chance to wander in the garden with Bree, sharing the wisdom of Nature.

I was on the telephone with my daughter when she told me she was pregnant. A small, brown bird flew into the house at the same time I was speaking to her. It was amazing...I cannot begin to tell you. The tears streamed down my face; I couldn't speak to my daughter...and all the while I watched Brown Bird.

The dogs were in. But Brown Bird wasn't concerned. She flew from room to room, checking things out. The dogs...ahhh...I worried about those dogs. But they ignored her, going outside without complaint, looking back over their shoulders at Brown Bird, not considering her an intruder at all.

And neither did I. Because, you see, I knew this Brown Bird. Every sense in me was on full alert, which was difficult, because I was still on the telephone with my daughter. I had a choice; I could either watch Brown Bird or give my daughter my full attention.

Brown Bird made the choice for me. She settled down on a plant by the window...and watched me. Suddenly, I knew it was alright to wait until the phone conversation was complete, before I did anything about Brown Bird.

My daughter and I spoke for a long while...fears and hopes, confidences and apprehensions...all the things a mother and daughter speak about, given the news of a first baby. I was outside, letting Sun and Wind give me balance, grounding myself. I had almost forgotten Brown Bird.

My convers- ation ended. I sat in wonder at the news, until a piercing trill brought me out of my thoughts. The Brown Bird!

I carefully closed the back door, leaving the dogs lazing in the Sun. I grabbed a tea towel, and walked over to Brown Bird, who was still sitting on the plant.

Hello, Katrina, I whispered.

Brown Bird grew silent, ruffling her feathers. She stared at me. I stared back, feeling tears streaming once again down my cheeks.

I know about the baby, I told her. I'm so over the top, I don't know how to tell you how excited I am! And I'm so glad you came to visit, at the exact same time your sister told me about it!

We spoke a little longer, all the while staring at one another, drinking each other in, it seemed. The energy that passed between Brown Bird and I felt all-encompassing and very pure. It is hard to describe...like a sudden, warming shaft of Sunlight in a darkened Forest, perhaps.

Time passed. Brown Bird grew anxious and fluttered her wings. It was time for her to go. I wrapped the towel around her... oh, so gently...and let her go off the front porch. She flew to the telephone pole, sang a short song...and flew away.

I have not seen her, or her kind, since. I don't know what kind of Bird she was...I have looked in the bird books and can't make a positive identification. Perhaps I am not meant to.

This all happened way back last summer. I have cradled the secret to my chest for eight months. I can no longer not write about the new baby...it is a big change in my life, and colours everything I do.

And the birth is coming up. March 28th is the due date. Babies are perennially late, however; my daughter feels the date of the baby's birth will be sometime in April.

Yesterday I mowed the back lawn, before it rained. As I mowed, I thought of the new baby that would see the garden for the first time. Bree grew along with a different garden; she has memories of large spaces and forests. This baby will see a smaller version. Smaller, but no less beautiful.

Now that my secret is out, I will be inundating this blog with pictures of babies, stories from a grandmother. The new baby will live in a different town; I will not be able to see him/her all the time, as I did with Bree. But Bree has promised to teach the stories to the baby that I taught her.

I wonder if Brown Bird will return on the day of the baby's birth?

Rest assured, I will let you know.


Note: The photos used in this post are not pictures of our new baby. There will be many, however, once the child is born!

Becoming Conscious

The early years of my life were mostly lived in an unconscious manner. Many years ago, I learned if I tucked uncomfortable information about people, places or things in the very turns and twists of the back of my mind...I could easily deny them.

Thus, I lived many years without actually living and experiencing the emotions that are a natural part of life.

But I guess we all wake up at some point...I can only say that there were many wake-up calls for me, before I actually became conscious and worked my way through them, instead of hiding and denying them.

And then, all those hidden denials wormed their way back to the surface of my mind...and suddenly, as if a light bulb switched on, I discovered if I took a few of these hurtful situations I had hidden and applied them and learned from them...Voila!

I learned wisdom, instead of denial, repression and the resultant skewed view of life that these tools for survival bring.

I believe all babies are born totally conscious of their world. Babies will let parents know immediately something is not right in their very small corner of the population. And some of us, such as Akiane,(who I found on Matt's and Lorna's blog) keep this awareness and do not let denial and repression see the light of day.

But me? I learned, at a very young age, if I didn't think about whatever incident caused me pain, I didn't have to deal with it. Don't think about it...this little sentence became my mantra.

I lived this way through a cancer scare, my first divorce, and various other life changing events...until I couldn't hide things anymore. Then I turned to alcohol, to self-medicate...to dull these thoughts that were becoming increasingly more difficult to suppress.

This worked for a few years, until I became a full-blown alcoholic...because, you see, it took more and more alcohol, eventually, to continue to hide from myself.

But this behavior didn't please others in my life. And I wanted to please, I wanted to do the best I could for my family...I just didn't know how, without facing many issues...all by myself. I was alone in this, wasn't I?

I believe the Universe has a plan for us all. Hiding from myself as hard as I was, my wake-up call happened very quickly after I started drinking to excess, in the scheme of things.

I remember, as all Alcoholics do, the very first time I walked into an AA meeting, all by myself. It is ingrained in my memory...to this day, I have never faced as much fear and shame as I did that day.

The fear and shame would continue, because I wouldn't allow myself to open up, to share my feelings. It took six months before I could concentrate on myself...I would share other people's problems around the tables, I could help others...but I hid my own hurtful situations and kept them under a very strong lock and key.

Bit by bit, I would allow tidbits to release...small nuggets of the huge mountain of pain that filled my heart. And each time I did, I would feel less shame, less fear.

And I learned an incredible amount, the more I let the darkness that resided within me to see the light of day.

I was becoming conscious. Suddenly, Problems and Pain were dealt with as they arose. I was no longer afraid of consequences. My self-confidence began to unfurl. I no longer felt alone.

And my spirit- uality, which I had also hidden, because I thought my experiences were strange and unacceptable, found a chink in the armor I had hidden it behind and burst forth and bloomed.

I discovered my beliefs were not so strange...rather they were a gift from Creator that I had spurned and ignored. There were others who explored spirituality, in the very same way I did. And many walked right beside me, making me believe that I could be open and true to myself, just as these others had.

I discovered I was never alone. I discovered there were clues all around me, if I became conscious of them and aware. These clues could be used as tools to solve the natural progression of problems that filtered into my life. I had re-discovered faith.

As a child, I would read the Bible under my bed covers with a flashlight. This little Bible had been given to us in school, and I still have it...I did not know, when I was young, why this little Book had the power to comfort. But it did.

I knew, had I allowed others in my family to know I read the Bible, there would be teasing and laughter. I could not bear this reaction to my Bible reading; hence I hid it. Much of it I didn't understand...but I knew I gained comfort from it. That was all I required then.

In the years following recovery, I explored my spiritual beliefs. I became stronger, more aware and thus, much more conscious of my own and other's behavior.

I discovered Spirit; I discovered Spirit was always with me. This realization, this epiphany, changed the direction of my life.

I found I no longer had to hide pain or what others consid- ered unaccept- able in me. Spirit knew it all anyway. Spirit accepted me just as I was, totally and without reservations. I knew this.

My world opened. I began to use my intuition, honing it and asking for guidance all the way. If I paid attention, if I became conscious of all the little bits and pieces of a situation, if I trusted myself, suddenly I could work through anything.

My faith would be tested over and over again, after I accepted my spirituality. My daughter died, and there would be another divorce. I clung to Spirit, throughout these difficult times. And as I worked through them, my consciousness became greater. Repression and denial still occur; it does not take long before I become aware of what I'm doing.

Mistakes and wrong turns on the path of life continue, for me. Spirit allows me my choices. Some are really bad, but with guidance, I can find the path that is not so difficult, leaving the torturous, twisting road I chose previously behind.

I believe I will work on conscious behavior for the rest of my life. It is still very easy for me to hide; still very easy to deny. A lifetime of solitary pursuits is difficult to overcome completely. And denial is very powerful.

Being unaware did not allow me to experience the full joys in my life, either. It works both ways. Either experience life in a fully aware manner, or live a half life, where I am living but not in a full way.

With all the trials and tribulations that occur in life, I am happy this one...this understanding of conscious behavior...is on its way to being solved.

A Watery World

I took a walk around the garden in pouring Rain this morning; I sloshed through Water in Puddles and small Lakes and Rivers.

Water every- where. Sounds around me are full of swishes, drips, gurgles, bubbles...and the booming song of the waves upon the Beach.

I meditated as I wandered, scarcely noticing the pelting Rain. There is an unease to my spirit these days; this morning I pinpointed the cause.

The Holiday Season is upon me. I can no longer deny it. Everything seems to be decorated. There are decisions to make...dinners and such. And once again, I will face the anniversary of my daughter Katrina's death.

It will be ten years since she moved irrevocably on...without me, her mother, to help her along her way, on December 30th. The strong, piercing pain that once throbbed within me no longer darkens December days further than wintry skies alone.

But there is still an ache. A soft, gentle ache that closes my throat, making me swallow hard. A hard knot in my solar plexus and easy tears where my emotional body needs succor completes the picture.

I don't believe it will ever lessen further. The huge, crashing waves of emotion that used to swallow me entirely are no longer as large and overwhelming. Smaller, softer waves of longing and sadness now tickle my toes...just enough to keep me aware of that heavy ache Katrina's death left with me.

She was my child. There is a disorder...a twist... that happens when a child dies before the parent, even if she was twenty-three. Life is not supposed to happen this way. But it did. It just did.

And it happens to many of us parents. I wanted my child to be safe; I did everything I could to do that very thing that is such an important part of parenting. I know that. And I am grateful for the time that Creator allowed Katrina to be a part of my life.

As I sloshed through the Water...Water that tugged and pulled at my emotions...I remembered some of the things Katrina taught me. One lesson that is still with me, always, is when she told me that just because she didn't show her emotions didn't mean she didn't feel them.

And there were many more lessons...Katrina's patience was legendary. Her non-judgemental attitude taught me to let things go, to not obsess wildly about events I could do nothing about. Some of her lessons did not become apparent until after her death...it was her legacy.

But I find myself wondering, at times...what would Katrina do in a case like this? And always, always the answer comes. And I carry on, knowing our family has the greatest guardian there ever was.

Acceptance, after many years of anguish and sorrow and anger, has finally arrived. I used to think, in my youth, that after someone died, I would spend a day or two in sorrow...and then "put it behind me". I used to think I knew what acceptance was.

A watery world...in which my tears flowed, just as suddenly as the strange little Rivers that have forged their way through my backyard. It felt just as cleansing as the Earth did, after sheets of Rain and gusts from Wind showered her clean.

I need to have days like this...my spirit calls out for it. I need to weep...and so I do. These are different tears than angry or happy tears. There is no end to these. Sometimes the dam they're in needs to overflow.

And a watery world is just the place to let them.

Ocean Whispers

Have you ever wandered by the Ocean shore, and listened to the whispering of the waves, imagining what the Waters have seen? The sibilant sounds of the waves as they wash to shore can easily transport me to different realms.

I can imagine I am walking by a tropical Sea, if I want, with soft, warm breezes. Or, if a recent storm has stirred up the ocean, and a cold wind blows, perhaps I visualize myself by a northern Sea.

Ocean called me the other day. Waves were pounding on the shore, punishing the rocks and sand on the beach. Wind was howling...I had the thought that it was perfect picture taking weather. But my camera does not work well in inclement weather any more...

And so I just wandered along, enjoying the sounds and Wind without having my attention taken away by a perfect picture opportunity. And I listened to what the angry, tumultuous Ocean was trying to tell me.

There was little wildlife about this day. A few Sea Gulls swooped and swerved with Wind, calling their distinctive cry. I found a perfect rock to on which to sit, and I watched the hypnotic waves pound the sand a few feet from me. My thoughts travelled to what I had read about Water, and what its magical properties were.

Water is immensely responsive to Spiritual vibrations. Experiments done by Dr. Masara Emoto from Japan shows that the crystalline structure of water is dramatically changed by the vibrations it has been subjected to. It is a living substance, with its own life process and its own Spirit.

Theodor Shwenk (1910-1981) a hydrological engineer, proved that Earth is a living organism, with Water as its sensory organ. Water perceives vital Cosmic influences, transmitting these into Earthly life, showing, with dramatic results, how the differences in our thought patterns changes the crystalline structure of Water.

Water comes in various stages of ripeness...from juvenile water to mature water. Juvenile water is not good for our health, it needs to gather up to 33-36 different trace minerals after it falls to the earth as Rain. It seeps through Earth, gathering these minerals, and emerges as Spring Water, becoming mature in the process. Juvenile water, along with distilled water, has a mineral leaching effect on our bodies, because this Water is "hungry", needing these minerals in order to mature.

Water remembers. It absorbs the vibrational patterns from other substances in its crystalline structure, long after the actual substance has disappeared, and is no longer in the Water.

As I sat on this flat, comfortable rock, with Wind blowing water droplets from Ocean over me, I wondered if I could ask Water to remember the treasures it had surely come into contact with...the treasures of Gold from pirates long dead, or the mindset of long ago civilizations. What knowledge would Water share with me this afternoon?

As I drifted into meditation, the howl of Wind and the crashing of Ocean Waves receded, and a soft, warm breeze enveloped me. The shrill cry of the Gulls disappeared, and song birds twittered in the Forest that suddenly sprang up behind me. Waves slowly washed ashore, bringing a gentle sense of peace and well-being.

Water is Earth's sensory organ; it picked up on my thoughts and showed me how I could change, just by believing, the reality of my life. It proved this thought well this afternoon, and it has stayed with me. I have dreamt many dreams of what Water showed me that day.

Before I went to the beach, my thought patterns were all about security...a richness... I felt I didn't have. My mind was focused on debt, on health problems and a million other negative ways of thinking. I did not think I was mired in negativity; rather, I thought I was trying to find the solution. But the thoughts I was sending out to Ocean were filled with unhappiness, even if I was not aware of it.

Ocean took my thoughts, swirled them around, washing them clean, and sent them back to me.

Suddenly I was surrounded with Gold. The rocky beach turned into a long space filled with golden spheres, some large bars of gold, others small golden coins...the beach was covered in them. The Rock I sat on became a throne, embedded with jewels. I saw myself giving the bounty I was in to deserving charities, I felt myself becoming secure and happy, knowing I could do whatever I wanted to do. I heard the words...Ask and Believe.

Had I ever expressly asked for Abundance, and what it means to me? Did I believe enough to understand that if I changed my thought patterns, the Universe would send me what I required in life? What if I didn't think of debt, but of a constant flow of cash, enough for my needs and others? What if I thought of myself as healthy, instead of arthritic? The rest of life's problems...could I change my thinking, change the words I used to describe them, to more positive terms?

And would I be able to sustain the belief that with thought changes abundance in all things would occur? Water told me to Ask the Universe...that is the easy part. Even if I must remember, when I ask, that I use the proper terminology. I could ask for abundance in Cash, but I must remember, at the same time, to ask for abundance in Joy. There are many people who are wealthy who are unhappy, because they have forgotten Joy.

The hard part is believing, on a constant, flowing, ongoing basis. Every minute of the day, I must work at believing I already live with abundance. Even if I am stuck in sadness and fear...I must rework where I find myself, must find the balance and must know, deep within my soul, that the sadness and fear does not define me. It is not who I am.

Ocean's whispers, on this blustery, stormy day, told me who I am, told me I could have abundance of joy, health, money...whatever I want...in a manner I will never forget. The golden stones stay with me and permeate my dreams.

And suddenly, my dreams are filled with good things, with happiness and laughter and yes, wonderful security...enough for the rest of my life on Earth. No longer are they muddy and convoluted and sad, hard to decipher.

The human body is made up of at least 70 percent water. If water has memory, and I pollute that water in my body with negativity, could it not follow, then, that the water in my body would remember those heinous thoughts and react to them, giving me a different viewpoint than I really desire?

Water cleansed my thinking last week and changed it to a positive vibration. Ocean's whispers of other places and other times has taught me that even if I am not aware of how my thinking comes across, if it is in any way negative, the negative is attracted to more negativity, more unhappiness. It feeds on itself.

Just as joy does.

Note: This post has been entered in Kilroy's Carnival. Please visit to see other entries that were submitted. (November 19, 2007)