Bubbles of Joy

On the bridge over the Fraser River

I find it so incredible that Thanksgiving is once more just around the corner. Where did the last months of 2011 go?

Soon, it will be Christmas! And then New Year's Eve...and the year 2011 will drift away into the past.


Years ago, when I was in my teens, I wondered where I would be when I was in my sixties. I didn't realize, at that age, how quickly the years pass...and that I would be here, in my dotage, before I knew it.

The Williams Lake Stampede Grounds

And really,I couldn't grasp the fact that each day would quickly recede in my memory, into the mists of Time. In my youth, I truly thought I would remember each and every moment...of heartache, grief, intense joy and anger.

I do remember the dramatic, life-changing occasions...yet the details, the fine-tuning that occurred, what I did to learn the lesson that had been presented to me...those have mostly left me.

Williams Lake

Sometimes, something will come up, however, in conversations or events that jog pieces of memories I've buried deeply. Dreaming also reminds me of choices I might have made throughout the moments, days and years of my life.

Not all of those choices were correct...in fact, many of them weren't. And these are the ones that come up, during quiet or even not so quiet, moments. It seems quite strange to me...I thought I had put the past completely to rest.

The beautiful, green Chilko River

But every once in awhile, a sharp dagger inserts itself into my heart...a dagger which reminds me a former decision may have had severe consequences...maybe not so much for me, but for others in my life.


It is quite like an awakening.

Pelicans! Photo taken from information booth

I've learned something, though, with all these old thoughts and decisions I made years ago trumpeting their way back into my mind. This time around, when those past actions return to haunt me, I actually am able to face them, to unravel them, to allow the hurt to appear, to forgive others and myself, and then to let them go.


Something I quite obviously did not do the first time around, when these events actually happened. I'd guess the actions required to reach forgiveness were not done at the time.

Information Booth

It seems to me, during this flood of folderol which moves through my senses, I am happier after I've let some relatively small thing go...and so, as these past events assault me now, I have learned travelling to the other side...the forgiveness side...well, it might be difficult for a few moments, but once it's done...there are bubbles of sheer joy which flow throughout.


So even if time passes so quickly and memories fade with its passage, it seems events which turned out badly, if they haven't been dealt with, will come back...at the age of sixty, or seventy or even older.

Hay field in the Chilcotin

I know a lady who is 95 years young, with an inoperable cancer. She told me she lived her life in pure denial. Every time harsh words were spoken, every time an accident occurred, she would take the words or the accident and shove them deeply inside. So deeply, in fact, that more often than not, she never thought of them again.


Until now. With a laugh, my friend told me it was impossible to get away with anything...those deeds that were hidden in a bottomless void in her mind eventually caught up with her.


At the age of 95.


Thanksgiving, of course, returns each and every year. As I write this, I try and remember past holidays, specific things about Thanksgiving. I cannot. They all meld into one. 

An old barn in the Chilcotin District

This is the thing, though. I am not in control of when the troubling past returns for me to deal with. I wish I was...hurting thoughts, from the past, can engulf me at the most inopportune moments. And then, I can find myself reacting to something in an angry or emotional manner. I find my reaction is fuelled from a past event...and not the present one at all.


It's a really good thing to know...

I feel much lighter these days, those bubbles of happiness much more prevalent.


This year, we will travel to the Coast for another Thanksgiving with the family. This year, I will go with a little more awareness of what makes me tick.


The years pass by so quickly, as if life were all a dream.

The Sun, Clouds and a green Orb!

Perhaps one day, in the near future, I will awaken completely, to a life no longer held back by dark, slimy sludge.


Sounds pretty good to me...


Happy Thanksgiving! May your day be filled with good thoughts, from the past and the present!

A Freshening Wind

It doesn't seem as if Winter will ever release his hold. The weather has been cold, with gale force Winds. The Wind dries the Snow left on the ground, only to bring in another Storm with Snow to replace what has melted and dried.

Yesterday, nevertheless!...there were hints of Spring borne on the Wind, which came from the South. I imagined the sweet soul-inspiring scents of Daffodils, Narcissus and Crocus blooming on the Island swirling around and into my very core.

It lifted my spirits, those imagined scents.

I have allowed myself to drift into a small funk. Many things contribute to it...homesickness for my family, the weather, being house-bound because of the incessant Ice and Snow. An unfair betrayal which has occurred didn't help either. Upcoming medical procedures, none of which are pleasant, are in the back of my mind, as well.


And then there is the Earthquake and Tsunami crisis in Japan...


It was time to move on. Wind, blowing so strongly, with gusts which almost lifted me off my feet, propelled me back into my dusty, hair-ball filled house.

I felt a surge of energy, something sadly lacking over the last while. I pulled out the vacuum cleaner, the dust cloths, the myriad items required to do a thorough Spring cleaning.


I moved furniture, changing their usual place. I pulled items out of closets, intent on finding either designated spots for them or donating to the Salvation Army.


The Dogs slept, hardly disturbed at all by the chaotic activities. Winter has been difficult on our aged Dogs...Nate has lost an incredible amount of weight, after his last illness. Lucky's ears bother him in extreme cold and Wind. I was happy to see them dreaming the rest of the Winter away...

I worked hard, using muscles whimpering for hard exercise. Walking outside right now is dangerous...there is hidden Ice everywhere. Yogic stretches done inside don't have the same power, for me, as a fast walk along the Animal paths on the Land does, or even a meander around and about with camera in hand.


As I worked, I decided I would concentrate fully on the task at hand, instead of re-thinking events in the past.


How serene staying in the complete present was! Right then, right now...I was and am happy.

I remember, as well, to dream forward, to dream of a contented future. I remember how grateful I am to have the beautiful family I have, all of them doing very well. I remember how amazing it is that all my needs are met, on a daily basis.


How awe-inspiring it is when I have a thought or a need to have my wish or dream filled almost instantly!

Synchronicity happens often, startling me sometimes. It will only be a matter of a small amount of time before I will be in a place closer to the family...I feel the reassurance well up from deep inside.


I remember to send prayers and Reiki blessings to the country of Japan, so beleaguered by Mother Nature right now. I allow sadness which drifts across the Ocean to envelop me for a moment, wanting so badly to hold and give surcease from pain and grief to all...

In the wake of all this cleaning and dreaming of an uncomplicated and happy future, I find I feel well today. I have decided to have a spa day...I am going for a facial and a haircut. I have done my nails, sorely in need of help. I even...cut...my toenails, an unbelievably difficult thing when pain from arthritis in malformed toes hampers me. And tomorrow, I have an appointment for massage therapy...it will put me back into balance, as painful as it is.


All is not perfect, whatever perfect is...I don't know that it can ever be, with factors beyond my control popping up on a continuous basis. But it is pretty damn near.


A kick in the proverbial butt works wonders, when one is sitting a little too long on the pity pot...

Joy?

Early one morning last week, on one of my usual walks with the two Dogs, I met a Hummingbird.  Or should I say the Hummingbird met me? He had a message to impart.

I'm not sure I would have noticed him, had he not made his position as clear as he did.  Hummingbirds are prolific in the early Spring...they arrive early in the season, even if the liquid in Hummingbird feeders still freeze at night.

I am accustomed to them speeding around the place. Their buzzing noise, a little louder than the huge, bumbling Bees that are also prolific, gives me a heads up that one of them is near. And with their first arrival, it is magical. 

Upon the first sighting, everyone rushes to fill the feeders; during one of the first trail walks I took when we moved here, I found a feeder hanging from a Tree far from any dwelling. And it was filled with fresh nectar...at the time I wondered if the feeder would draw a Bear or two. But the only creature feeding upon it was the Hummingbird, that I could discern.

But the Hummers have been here for a long while now...at least a couple of months. I'm accustomed to the sound of their wings and rarely look up to watch in wonderment any more. There are so many of them, you see...after awhile, they become commonplace, a part of the twittering, tweetings, buzzings, chirpings and sharp calls that abound in the mornings.

I planted many Seeds this year, right into the Earth, rather than starting them indoors. But, as soon as I planted them, I forgot which and where. I tell myself every year to find a scribbler and write down which Seeds I've planted; every year I skip that step. And every Spring, my memory gets worse...

So I had my head down, intently searching for the first signs of something lifting its head up through the Soil. The World recedes then; I am completely in the moment, completely oblivious to anything other than willing the Seedlings to grow.

I was dimly aware of hearing a Hummingbird close by. And then I heard the swish of Air, just a little closer than normal.

Closer than normal is right.  I was completely startled when the Hummer landed upon my head. I was not sure exactly what to do...I was bent over, my head close to the almost blossoming Tulips. Did the Hummer mistake my head for one of those blossoms? Should I brush it off? Thoughts ran through my mind, speeding as if they had taken wing as quickly as the Hummingbird.

I heard it twitter once or twice. I was worried it might get tangled in my hair, which is shoulder length and was up in an untidy bun. What was I to do then, should the Hummer get caught in hair and clips?

There was nobody around, other than the Dogs, who watched the whole debacle with interest...and a bit of humour, if I'm not mistaken. There was no one to come to my aid.

Within a very short time, although it felt like eons, the Hummer, with a sharp tweet, took off, speeding his erratic way through the Trees. And I was left with...you guessed it...Hummingbird excrement, mixed in with my hair.

For that tiny Hummer, there seemed to be a lot of it. I touched my hair and discovered a small, gooey blob right in the middle of my head. I dashed it off, only to feel liquid running down the side of my face. He had left his calling card, in spades!

The Dogs laughed and laughed, dancing around me, sneezing and huffing. As I walked into the house to take a shower, I wondered what on Earth that Hummingbird thought he was doing.

Had I wandered too close to a nest? Hummers are territorial and most species are fighters...sparring for feeder rights with other kinds as soon as the feeder is put outside. But I've been in that particular area many times, before and after the incident. And have never had problems with any Bird, Hummer or otherwise.

My hair is grey, glinting silver from Sun's rays upon it. Could he have thought my head was some kind of untidy, exotic Flower? Could he have been attracted to the colourful clip that was trying to contain hair that wouldn't be captured? Others have grey hair...do Birds alight on their heads, as well?

I'll never know. But I do know the Hummer's message is inner Joy.

From this site, I read about the Hummer and the other messages he gives.

His first message is to taste and enjoy the sweetness of life...life as it is, not what I wish it to be. I am to make the most of what is.  The Hummer tells me to be more adaptable; he tells me I am not to look back in life and wish for what was.

And then there is that inner joy I am to find and project to others. I am proficient, he tells me, at finding the good in life's situations for other people. Now I must learn to find the good in me and my situations.

He tells me I have a gift for working with flowers...he suggests aromatherapy as an adjunct. He warns me to take care with sweets...I am diabetic, so the little warning was taken.  But why does he not worry about overdoing it with that nectar he is constantly guzzling back? Never mind that his energy output is phenomenal!

I believe strange interactions with the Animal Kingdom should not be overlooked, and so I take Hummingbird's message seriously. He was right to remind me to take what is and not try and change it for my own satisfaction; rather I will try and accept circumstances as they are right now.

Perhaps I am thick-headed...perhaps I was not hearing or accepting what I knew to be true. And having the Hummingbird relieve himself on my head certainly brought the message to the forefront.

He had some words of wisdom to impart, this Hummer.

It is up to me what I do with the wisdom Creator tried to send, so uniquely.

And now? Now I keep my eyes and ears open when Hummingbird flies past...

The Beginning

I awoke this morning with the instant realization that a brand new year has begun.  The feeling was similar to the beginning of a new school year, or a milestone birthday having arrived, or even, for me, Spring arriving with all her finery. A feeling of really intense happiness...
 
2009 has now gone down in the history books. For me, it was a year of continuous renovations and rebuilding around our home. It was a year where we worked hard to add value to our place. A shop/studio now graces an area where formerly Trees and Boulders once held pride of place.

2010...the sound of it brings contentment to me. I wonder why that is? What is in store, that makes those numbers sound so right?

According to the Universal Psychic Guild, this  Number 3 Universal Year tells us...


"This vibration carries energy to communicate, create, maintain social relationships and joy of life. Hopefully this means that the World will finally get their act together for the celebration of an agreement on climate change. On the negative side there is the danger of self-indulgent behaviour, too much partying, spending and a possible financial crash again if we are not watching what the bank managers and mortgage agents are doing."  


And Daniel Heydon's Numerology Blog states...

"A 3 Year means social activity with both old and new friends. You may scatter your energies and un­dertake too many things at once. It is a time to be happy but not frivolous. The accent is on charm and creativ­ity. "

 I'm thinking this might be the year where we undertake more socializing and more sightseeing trips than we have as yet, here in the Cariboo. There will be time, that precious commodity, for it.


It feels as if the Number 3 Universal Year will lead me to a more positive outlook upon each day, which I vow to seize.  It feels as if there is anticipation within me, even as the state of Worldly doings continue to worsen.


My heart will open more, this coming year.  I am no longer so apprehensive of close relationships...will or will they continue? my eternal question...And if they do not, instead of curling myself into a rounded position and closing that heart again tightly...I will keep it open, grateful for the experience.


2010...the number conjures up grace and hospitality and joy.  Yes, joy. There has been precious little of this emotion for humanity.  I wish, also, that I not forget the ordinary joys of life so quickly, when I substitute the remembrance of negative moments instead.

I want harmonious feelings to flow, in the coming year. And it feels, this morning, as if they will, no matter the travails to which I may be subjected.


Happy but not frivolous...2010 sounds very nice to me, indeed!

A Fantasy Wake

I met a casual acquaintance the other day, when I was shopping for the various sundry items needed for the mundane life...

She and I had met as she visited her mother at The Gardens at Qualicum Beach, approximately at the same time as I did. She gave her condolences to me, for my mother's death. I thanked her, and we chatted on a bit, catching up on news.

She asked if there was to be a memorial for my mother; I said yes, it was upcoming. She was aware of my fractured family and so she smiled, as I grinned back, both of us fully aware the other understood. She has five brothers.

She told me of a man she knew who had recently died. He had four offspring, who were at each other's throats at a moment's notice. This fellow left four tickets on a cruise ship for his children, with express wishes that the rest of his inheritance would go to charity, if they did not all go on this cruise...all at the same time! And it was a long cruise.

He wanted his ashes distributed upon the high seas, with the four of them in attendance.

Blinking my eyes against a vision of a burning ship, should this have happened to my family, I laughed and said...wouldn't it be great if we could plan our wakes to the nth degree.

She said...it's the final controlling gesture!

As I trundled off with my basket, I mused on that...

I had difficulty with it; I sat on what my idea of a fantasy wake would be for a few days. I could not get it out of my mind, it was first and foremost. Are our last wishes a controlling force to the ones left behind...or are they an encapsulation of how we perceive our lives? I couldn't come up with the answer; in the end, it didn't matter.

Since I couldn't seem to leave the subject alone, I decided to write about it...and perhaps that's what I'm meant to do.

When my life ends, I want a celebration...a party...a good old fashioned wake, where everybody tells a story or two about my peccadilloes...and there are many.

I want laughter and music. I want good energy; I will do everything I can from wherever I am to enable the positive, loving energy I desire, at my wake.

I don't want people to remember how I can whine endlessly, about a problem or an ache. I don't want people to remember my dark moods, my impossible anger, my obsessions...

I don't want hushed funeral parlours. I want fresh Air, a Bonfire that sends sparks to the Heavens, Wind that frolics with the Trees, and Water, be it Ocean or River, that takes the grief and tears, and washes them clean.

I want music...something from the past that makes people sway and tap their feet. I want a celebration.

Because, deep inside of me, I feel that Death is a reward for a life well-lived. I believe that Birth and Death are each a beginning...a start anew. A birth and a re-birth.

I don't believe it is up to the remaining people on this plane to take the life of another and judge how they lived it, in a negative manner, at my wake.

I want humourous anecdotes...the kind where acceptance of the person I was runs deep.

I want my loved ones to let go of the deep, hidden hurts I've inflicted, to throw those black, stinking piles of garbage held deep inside, into the Water. I want them to realize, then, that I meant the best, always. Always. But sometimes, it was the best for me, as well.

The people I leave behind must be ready for a celebration of this kind, where laughter prevails and forgiveness begins. It can take awhile, to get to a place such as this, when a death occurs.

And so, at my Wake, I want a Wise Woman or Man, someone who knows the old ways, to help facilitate, to find fragments of Soul and mend them, give them back to the rightful owner, so all may feel at peace.

I want laughter. Clear, shiny peals of laughter, that echoes amongst the Trees, is taken by the Wind and dropped into needful places. I need the giggles of children, a chuckle from elders and uproarious guffaws from the in between. I would want as much joy for my passage as there is at a newborn's arrival.

I would want, in my fantasy wake, first and foremost, a healing place.

My fantasy wake doesn't include cruises to far-off places, although I know my daughter would approve...

It only lets me know that everybody left behind will be alright without me; they love me and miss me...and that it's okay for me to go.

Leaving the rest to their joyful celebration.