It's been a whole year since we took ownership of our home in the Cariboo. And I realized this morning, as flakes of Snow drifted down, covering the melting, dirty Snow once again, that most of it has been spent in Wintery conditions.
We have signs of Spring; the buds on the shrubs and bushes are swelling...even the buds on the Hydrangea bushes I planted last Summer are thickening. I am thankful. Quite frankly, I did not expect any of the new plants to come through the onslaught of the Cold.
But with the weather forecast calling for Snow and more Snow...even now, when the Cherry blossoms are blooming in Japan...it'll be awhile before my new plants and I can enjoy warmer weather.
Yet, even with cold weather, the Birds are in their full, delightful Spring song. They congregate around the bird feeder in ever increasing numbers, their bright plumage standing out against the white Snow.
The other day, tired from cleaning and baking in preparation for company arriving, I sat down with a cup of Tea and my needlework. My needlework is almost finished; much of my anxiety at not being outside and exercising has been poured into this canvas. I've discovered just how meditative needleworking can be.
But I was more tired than I had thought. Soon, I drifted off, needle in hand and soft music from the seventies playing in the background.
I have had a recurring dream for as long as I can remember. In it, I am selling a house I am presently living in. I show this house to other people, knowing full well there is another area to the home which I am not able to access.
In my dreams, there have been times when I am allowed a glimpse. I remember one dream where I wandered through the dusty and cobweb-filled rooms, marvelling at the possibilities this part of the house had.
The empty rooms were all finished with tall windows allowing the Sun to stream in. They were dusty and dirty as well...as if no one had ever cleaned them...or looked through them. But the motes of dust danced in the shafts of Sunlight and the feeling here was one of loving comfort.
In this dream, I knew I must someday show this part of the house...it made me so happy and I knew the house would sell if I could only show it to prospective buyers.
But it is rare to be allowed a glimpse, and I was saddened when I found the stairs back to the main home. Was I ever going to be allowed to show this area, which was there, but seemed to be unattainable?
And so, when I drifted off in front of the fire the other day, I was surprised when my dream once more showed me this house. Once more I was trying to sell it to prospective buyers.
For years, I have not attempted to find what I call the forbidden part, when I dream of this house. This dream was no exception...I no longer agonize over finding it. And since I am quite often "awake" when I dream, I thought to myself...Not again!
But I was warm and very comfortable, the way one can be when all work has been completed and all is right with the World. I decided to continue dreaming, wondering if I would catch a glimpse of the very private part of the home this time.
This dream seemed slightly different. Things were askew in the home, which seemed odd to me as I was trying to sell it. The rooms were dark and dingy; it looked as if nobody had cared for it for a very long time.
I was puzzled. I noticed my prospective buyers had melted away, and I was on my own. I wandered through, thinking this part of the home had certainly seen better days...why was the furniture all placed askew...why was the fireplace belching out dark billows of smoke? It became difficult to breathe here, in these darkened rooms.
Many Spiders, an Eagle and a Wolf suddenly appeared in one room, which looked like an extremely messy family room. I thought to myself... If these Animals had full run of this home, no wonder it was dingy and dirty. And I tried to shoo them away.
But each Animal hovered close to me, seemingly pushing me towards a door I had not previously noticed. And as soon as I did notice it, I was filled with foreboding. No...No...no more of these doors which led to nowhere...I was tired of them! Did these yammering, excited animals not understand this simple fact?
It seemed not. I stood and looked at this strange curved door for a long while, ignoring the shoving of Wolf, the crawling Spider which insisted on circling my ear, and the wings of Eagle, who stirred up so much dust.
I pondered and pondered. What a strange door! It was painted in dark greens and purples with odd carvings. It was a rounded, arched door. It was also securely closed with a strong latch. In all the dreams I had had previously, I had never noticed this door. And I did not want to undo the latch.
Yet I am known for wandering into circumstances where Fear stands strong. I have known the face of Fear over the years, and he has become a companion, almost. The face of Fear can dissolve into gentle understanding and perspective, given enough time.
I undid the latch and the door slowly opened, with great creaking at first, then quickly expanding to display a great, huge room, filled with light.
And here I was, once again, back in the forbidden area which I had searched for so many times.
It was different. Someone had placed an old shaggy carpet over the plank floors. Someone had covered the windows with heavy drapery. And yet Light filled the room and the Air was sweet and clean and new. Once again, I felt filled with possibilities...and filled with knowledge that this time...I could make them happen.
My animal companions danced, seemingly with joy. And suddenly, I was no longer the only human here...there were children playing, there were people I loved here with me. I was showing off this part of the house I had always admired but which I had never been able to share.
I stayed in my dream room a long while, it seemed to me. I searched the entire room, marvelling at the treasures I found, and showing them to the people around me. I threw open the drapes, loving the tall windows which let in streams of Sunlight. I noticed the gardens all around, a little overgrown, but with such charm!
There was much whispering amongst my animal companions. I understood their strange language...I knew that these rooms I was sharing was a part of me I had allowed no one to see. The time had not been right before; the time to do so was now. Instead of hankering for these light-filled, happy rooms...I was to live in them.
And with this understanding, the creaking door closed and melted away. All I was left with was happiness and a very clear joy, in these new rooms which were filled with endless possibilities; with the very sure knowledge that whatever or wherever or however those possibilities were to arrive, the way forward would be paved and clear.
I was not required to go back through the door to the dark and dingy old part of this house. When I awoke, my last memory was of children playing, the swoosh of Eagle wings, the warm body of the Wolf pressing against me, and the tickle of Spider on my ear.
And further, I awoke with such a feeling of joy I cannot express it here. Huge, expansive and effervescent joy travelled back with me. I felt positively merry! I felt as if I had been re-born.
I broke through! My defences, my walls had crumbled down and I had allowed others to see who I was, without fear of reprisals.
And now, it seems all I have to do to feel the overwhelming joy is to remember the dream, during my daily chores. Inevitably, the strange happiness will curl itself around me, like a warm hug.