An Odd February

Pink light-filled Sunrise...

What a strange month February has been, in the way of weather and also, in other ways. One day we are experiencing Arctic temperatures and the next, I'm listening to the music of melting Snow and Ice.

Animals, as well, are confused, I'm thinking. Lately, Deer have decided to make our property their home. Herds of Deer...I am surprised on quite a few days by Deer resting somewhere on the property. 

This morning, I inadvertently awoke one who was resting underneath a large Tree, close to the deck. Uncurling himself slowly, with blinking eyes, he stretched his limbs, looking for all the World just as a child might upon awakening. He turned his head and looked at Lucky and I watching him, shook his head up and down, and then wandered off into the deeper Forest.

Early Morning Sun looks inviting...but it's very, very deceptive!

Lucky, a Dog who is accustomed to these Friends from the Forest, no longer wants to chase, especially through three feet of Snow. But I didn't realize how truly well accustomed he is...

One afternoon, Lucky and I were watching a Blizzard from the front porch. I love to watch Snowflakes fall; I find it meditative and certainly soothing. Lucky sat beside me, no doubt wondering at my proclivity for watching a blowing Blizzard.

In this peaceful state, I was abruptly brought back to Earth when a Deer appeared, from the trail leading to the base of the Draw, not twenty feet away. I felt Lucky stiffen somewhat, so I took hold of his collar, but I truly felt he had no intention of going anywhere. I felt a tremor of fear inside myself...I cannot arise quickly, with stiffened joints made even worse from the Cold. And Deer have been known to attack, some in quite random circumstances.

Two of the herd at rest, just off the deck.

But this Deer was as startled as I was, although she did not take flight. Rather, after the initial halting of her progress towards the driveway, she seemed interested in who Lucky and I might be. Her ears flickered back and forth as she drew in our scent, her eyes glued on mine.


And then, another Deer appeared behind her, and then another, and another, all in single file. The first Deer found purchase on the ploughed driveway, and wandered off up the driveway, sniffing at the new Snow. And the others, after a glance or two our way, followed her.


Lucky and I were entranced. Fear had long gone, with delight and awe replacing it...it was as if these Deer, who take flight at the slightest thing, were teaching me something rather profound. Perhaps Fear of people, places and things should be relegated to the past, when I didn't know any better.

What's up, Mom?

As we watched the Deer file up the driveway and across the road, another Deer, a laggard behind the rest, came up the trail, and I felt something different...a different type of energy...from this one. This one did not have a youngster/female type of energy signature...his was of a hardened, more mature, male Warrior type. 


Lucky shifted, at the sight of this last Deer. He sensed the difference in this Deer, as well, although there was no resistance to my hand on his collar. 


This Deer stopped. He was much larger, far more imposing than the rest. I can still feel the apprehension in my chest as he took us in...Lucky and I huddled together on the porch steps.

Roses for Valentine's Day!!

It felt like a sign of grace, a pulse of light, a beam of loving energy as we sat there under the gaze of this incredible Animal, who has made our home his. I cannot describe it any further than that...and it really needs no more description, at any rate.


Slowly, he showed me what majestic looks like, as he made his way towards the rest of the herd, some gathered at the top of the driveway, watching the tableau being played out below between three different sets of Animal.


Different, perhaps, but still One.


February, too, has brought a certain awakening, definitely within myself, if not in all. My fascination with the Sky began when I saw those small objects in the Night Sky a few months ago. And it appears I am not the only one...there are many, many videos on YouTube that document these inexplicable objects. I've included this link which includes some incredible sightings...

               Ascension Earth 2012: Galactic Federation of Light Ship Over Several U.S...

And too, the sounds from the Earth or the Sky, depending on who describes them...those are simply fascinating to me. I know people who have heard them and oh! how I envy them! They tell me the skin crawled up their necks and they were covered in goose bumps. The sometimes melodious, sometimes horrendous sounds reached deeply inside each person...one actually found himself gritting his teeth. Here's another link to some sounds in Finland...

                       Strange Sounds Over Finland

In my daily musings, I wonder how it all fits together, what it all means. And I usually come up with the thought that there is little I can do to change anything during this year of evolution...anything outside of myself, that is. And I find I am doing that...I am letting old things, things I didn't even realize were still hiding within me...I am letting those odd little bodies of pain go, each and every one. With my blessings and forgiveness of self and others...

The driveway seems longer than it is, when it has to be ploughed!!

And, with the thought that Spring will eventually come, I have been cleaning and purging my home, as if someone were arriving, with that exact feeling of anticipation and excitement...even the fridge and freezer are full, in preparation...

I am not expecting anyone. But one can never tell, during these days of 2012, who might pop in and I want to be ready.

Even if our perceived Visitor of the future is only a Deer or two...

Cat and the Shed

A feral cat lives under this garden Shed in our front yard.

Snow is falling in sheets in the pre-dawn darkness...large, pure white sparkling sheets. Since it is not too cold, I sit on the front steps, well wrapped up, and watch as Lucky checks out who visited in the night.

I believe we have a feral cat living under the little garden shed. I can't say for sure. I have only seen her once. But judging by the amount of cat prints around the driveway and the shed, she certainly visits often...

This is where Lucky found the trail to come up from the Draw, down behind the pile of Snow.

I saw her one morning, as I stood by one of the front windows, sipping my coffee. She was sitting in Sun's rays, in a golden circle of light, and she was washing herself. It's been a long time since I have seen a Cat really groom herself. I had forgotten how intent they seem upon the act, yet they are instinctively alert to any seeming danger.


She looked like a Coon Cat, but it was difficult to say. She was grey and black, long-haired and large! This was one wild cat who looked as if she had no trouble looking after herself.

There will be much ploughing and shovelling today!

And then the thought struck...perhaps she was so large because she was pregnant? Oh, oh.


Lucky, covered in Snow and looking like a large, furry, white dog, with bits of red hair showing, makes a bee-line to the bottom corner of the shed. Sniffing once, he makes the decision...the Cat was in there!


Stiff-legged, he walks around the shed...and I immediately hear a soft, muffled yelp as he misjudges a Snow drift and falls down into the Draw...


As I come around the corner of the shed, he was already dusting himself off at the bottom of the Draw. It is really dark back there behind the shed and I can't see well, but I know he will find it difficult to come back up from where he's fallen.

It is so very, very DARK in the Draw...

Lucky tries to climb back up over the fallen logs and branches, and quickly gives up. I walk over to another area, further from the shed, where I have some light from the porch. There is an old trail there...I hope Lucky can find it in the dark and the falling Snow.


This whole thing is becoming ludicrous.


I am covered in Snow, it is dark as Hades, and I am becoming aware that it is also cold. It is 5:30 AM...what on Earth am I doing outside in pyjamas, in the Cariboo Winter, trying to coax a Dog back up from a deep, dark Draw?


Oh well. It is where I am at the moment. And the Dog is Lucky...

That Orb is following me around...

He is having trouble traversing the bushy, Branch-strewn area and it is slow going for him. I glance around and am startled to see two golden eyes fixated upon me, from the hole in the Earth around the bottom of the garden shed.


I stare at them, those golden eyes as mesmerizing as the drifting, falling sheets of Snow.


The sound of Lucky clambering about in the Snow falls away, as quick thoughts chase through my mind. Is it a Cat? Are those eyes not too large for just a small Cat? The hairs at the back of my neck begin to rise...and not only because it is cold.

Doubtful, but in the dark?...

Coming back to myself, I find that Lucky has found the trail, not any the worse for wear...and that the smell of Cat has grown intensely for him. I look around and find the eyes no longer there. But Lucky is back to his intense sniffing, where it seems like he wants to snuffle up the contents of whatever it is under the shed.

It is a safe place for a feral Cat to over-Winter. Now that I am back on the safety of the porch, I have found my common sense and courage, and am sure it is a Cat. So close to the house, it is unlikely a predator would bother to dig for this prey, ensconced so cozily in the Earth underneath the little green shed...giving another measure of safety. I wonder again if she is pregnant.


I go into the house and grab a towel. Our boy Lucky is wet and covered in Snow, with a few scratches here and there, and I want to brush him off before he comes into the house. I brush myself off as well...

Not my photo, but reminiscent of those golden eyes!

Lucky comes to me reluctantly, when I call him. As he trots over, I see those eyes, from underneath the shed, again. I send thoughts of safety and well-being to those wonderful, golden eyes, so much wiser regarding life in the wild, than any I know.


Lucky and I go in, grateful for the warmth. As I sit here, I battle with myself...should I go out with a little food for our feral Cat? I know the rules...no feeding wildlife, even if it is a Cat. But there is a Blizzard blowing...


I warm up, my limbs becoming less stiff. I ponder and wonder. I shake my head, knowing what I will do, even as I argue with myself. What if the animal is not a Cat?

A Keeper of Animals

I put finishing touches to a drawing of another face, another unknown somebody to add to the piles of other unknown faces. The face I am finishing at the moment is a gentle one, a youngish lady, a Keeper of Animals. I hear her words, as I stare into her eyes.


She tells me all things, wild and tame, deserve a break now and again. She asks me to put myself in the Animal's place, under a shed, in a Snow Storm, with Snow drifts much higher than a small Animal. She asks me...have I ever known real hunger and thirst? Suddenly, it no longer matters if the Animal is a Cat.


And there is a tin of Tuna in the cupboard...

The Soul-Searcher

I put on the layers of clothing required to go outside in a Snow Storm. I take the bowl of Tuna and, as I step off the porch into the suddenly very deep Snow, I realize I should have worn boots, as the indescribable cold Snow satiates my shoes and feet...


Too late now. My feet are already blocks of Ice, so at least there is no feeling there. I consider it will not take long to place the bowl of Tuna where the Cat will find it easily, but I have not taken into that consideration the quickly falling Snow and how deep it is becoming.


I go around the back of the Shed, where overhanging branches from the Fir Trees keep Snow away. Usually.


It is becoming light now, Dawn has arrived. I place the bowl of Tuna close to the only opening left at the bottom of the Shed...others are completely covered by Snow.

The Judge

I see where Lucky made his mistake in the dark and avoid the area, but as I turn away from placing the bowl of Tuna, Snow is driven by Wind directly into my face. I stumble and fall.

I fly face first into a huge drift of Snow, which also breaks my fall. I have so many layers of clothing on, as I hit the Snow, I hardly feel any pain, but I know it will surely arrive later. Fibromyalgia does not like face plants into Snow in the cold. However, I continue to lie there, catching my bearings.

I wonder how long it would take before I am completely covered in Snow. Not long, I'd wager, since there is at least a foot that has fallen since Lucky and I were first outside. When Snow falls like this in the Cariboo, many things are covered which don't see the light of day until May...


So far, I find lying here in the Snow comfortable, other than freezing feet. As I turn my head to breathe better, I glance over at the bowl...and see a grey Cat head withdrawing back under the Shed, as she sees me moving.


As I stiffly gather myself back up, I am glad I saw her. I am glad, as well, that I braved the Snow and cold and brought her a little sustenance, on a day like this, when she may not be able to go out to hunt for food.

The Nurse

I brush myself off and as quickly as I can (which is rather slow...there is Ice beneath the Snow, and conditions are very slippery) I seek the warmth of the house and hot coffee.


The day has begun with a bang...and it is not even 7 AM yet. Good grief...


As I watch the falling Snow, I wonder what the rest of the day will bring.


If it is up to me, it will be spent with feet propped up in front of the Fireplace and perhaps, drawing another face, another somebody with wisdom to impart...

Dark of Winter

January's Icy Driveway!

The dark of Winter has enveloped my corner of the World. Twilight arrives very early...sometimes lights never go off during the day.

It has not been terribly cold...the temperature dipped to -20C a few times and every number in between, but we have had very warm days, as well. Day in which I felt an instinctive urge to garden, were the ground not frozen solid...


Snow blankets every thing. It is astonishingly beautiful, sometimes blindingly so. The landscape can be harsh, depending on the lighting and the time of day, but it can also be meltingly soft and inviting. The Cariboo is a land of extremes; I do not find it easy to live here, yet I love the stunning views, the never-ending Sky, the very feel of the place.

No Saskatoon Berries Left! Awwww....

The Animals are behaving strangely, I have noticed, lately. They seem to huddle near this house, during their resting periods. The other day, Lucky and I were taking our usual walk, when I noticed something...different...down in the Draw.


I had to take more than a few glances at the dark pile that looked as if it belonged, but wasn't there yesterday. That dark pile turned out to be one of the largest mule Deer I have ever seen.


She was lying against a small Birch Tree, not more than a few feet from the house and visible from the Office window. Lucky, because of Wind direction, did not smell her and his eyesight is bad, in any case. He seemed agitated, somewhat, but he did not catch sight of her.

A Mule Deer's Bedroom

I'd heard Wolves howl very early that morning, under the Wolf Moon. I wondered if she'd been chased, and had taken refuge in the deep Draw, close to Humans. Or perhaps she'd actually been hurt...


I stood at the top of the Draw. I tried to take photos, but it was cold that day and my camera would not work properly. Since I could not zoom in, these photos here are the best of the bunch.


She knew I was taking photos. She knew I was there and that Lucky was there, as well. Her eyes half closed, she seemed completely at rest...but what if she was not? What if she'd been injured? How could I find out?


I thought I would stop projecting my what-ifs into the ether and let sleeping Deer lie, after a bit of time where I went into a tizzy.


For two days, the Deer chose that spot for her resting place. During the one afternoon, she did not go far...I spotted her browsing across the road, at one point. And she was there again the next morning, completely at ease. Then she was gone...

She decided we were no threat to her at all...

The Deer is a blatant example of Animals seeking refuge here. There are many places where I find Vegetation and Snow trampled down in the shape of an Animal who has slept there for awhile. The Squirrels have their favourite branch of the Fir Tree outside our bedroom. They will rest at any time of day, in full view of our comings and goings, looking very cute and peaceful.


Since about two thirds of our property has been left in a wild state, and since even here, wild pieces of property are becoming increasingly rare, I imagine there are many Animals who call this place home, deep in the Forest. And as I rarely go into the very wild places, preferring not to come face to face with a Bear or Cougar or Wolf, Animals would certainly find  safe homes there.


But these resting spots I have found are very close to the house. The feeling is strange, but it is as if they are seeking the security of being close to...a Human? If I were an Animal, possibly the last place I would want to be is right beside a Human's home.

I wonder when the Ice will melt!!! It could be months...

But times...they are a'changin'. And Animals are far more in tune with Mother Earth than Humans are.There is an odd feeling of contentment within me in having Animals feel comfortable enough to enjoy the surrounding peace here.


January has me more house bound than usual. The trip into Williams Lake can be iffy, depending on the ever-changing weather. I am very grateful that I have a vehicle which takes road conditions, whatever they may be, with panache and ease.


With the constant melting and freezing, the bottom of our driveway has turned into a frozen Pond. I have not been able to go for my usual walks; I am terrified of slipping on this great expanse of Ice. Graham's small commuter car takes on a mind of its own, when he goes to the office.


But the Torrent, a small SUV, has no problems with the Ice whatsoever. I know I can drive out of here, at least...

Welcome home!

I rarely do, however, preferring to buy everything I need in town about every two weeks or so. Especially in the Winter. Walking anywhere, be it here on our property or in the City, can be treacherous...Ice lies on every road and sidewalk.

The only time inclement weather bothers me is when we must travel for medical reasons for Graham. Twelve hour round trips to Kelowna can be so much more difficult in Blizzard conditions.


I've learned to take the time for quiet activities...ones which usually have me dozing in my chair. I sleep far more in the Cariboo Winter than I ever did on the Coast. And I find long-time residents are surprised at my realization...it is the way it is here and it is expected.

This little home is so welcoming and charming in the deep, purple twilight!

All I know for sure is...no matter how much sleep I receive during the night, I still doze each time I attempt any 'quiet activities'.


And what better time to give in to those delicious little dozing moments than in the Dark of Winter?

"And something born of the snowy desolation, born of the midnight and the silent grandeur, born of the great listening hollows of the night, something that lay 'twixt terror and wonder, dropped from the vast wintry spaces down into his heart—and called him."~~Algernon Blackwood  The Glamour of Snow

Gardens of the Future

The light from the camera's flash in the perfect place...

We left the family two days ago and it already seems like forever. It was the best Christmas...I suppose other Christmases felt just as good at the time, but this one had just a little more added to it. It seemed there was just a little more loving energy, felt in all manner of ways.

Graydon and I became dentist and assistant as we played with his play-dough dentist kit. I made the teeth and placed them in Mr. Towell's cavernous, plastic mouth and Graydon drilled, made fillings and pulled any tooth that looked suspicious. And eventually...they all looked suspicious!

It was his favourite game...he even dreamt about being inside someone's mouth the night after we'd played hard with the toy. Perhaps he will become a dentist in future years...he may be surprised to learn, however, that not all patients want every tooth in their heads pulled!

My grandson Graydon pulling one of Mr. Towell's teeth, completely intent...

Brianna and I went shopping together on the Internet this year. She and I would go peruse the actual stores so often, when I lived close by. This year, we decided to try and shop together on the web and it worked very well. She found her items and I bought them...could there be any better way for a seventeen year old girl and her grandmother, who do not live near one another?

Our granddaughter Brianna, looking angelic, but do not be deceived...

She also modelled her graduation dress for us. Oh, my goodness! So many thoughts raced through my head as she stood before us in the glimmering, shimmery white dress! How could the baby I'd held in my arms, just yesterday, it seems, turn into this brilliant butterfly? I wanted to take a photo, but that will wait until the actual date. Suffice it to say, tears ran freely...

I enjoyed watching my super efficient daughter Heidi cook for the hordes of people who forever required food. I did make the stuffing for the Turkey...oh, and I made some butter tarts...but that was all I contributed this time to the holiday feasts.

My daughter Heidi washing the inevitable dishes...

Years ago, my daughter refused anything to do with cooking. She was sure it was not something she had any interest in whatsoever. But after a few years with her family, she's an amazing, passionate chef and loves to experiment with unusual ingredients. And after a summer spent in renovations, even her surroundings in the kitchen reflect her passion for foods.

A treasured ornament...

I am, once again, in awe at how the Universe works. You see, I am waiting for another surprise that is, most definitely, in store for her, another passion which will shock her with its intensity.

She will become a gardener. There are hints of it showing now. I want to chuckle; it is so obvious to me...


Once someone becomes passionate about cooking, about using fresh ingredients instead of canned or prepared foods, about finding out and realizing how many pesticides and hormones come in foods...one becomes interested in searching out the freshest, most local of foods. 

Yummy, cheesy biscuits...

At first, it is to showcase one's Art of Cooking. After all, one cannot show off a lovely salad with wilted Lettuce. But soon, interest turns to the taste of these foods. Surely, a row of Lettuce grown with love and care from one's own hands will reflect that love in its taste?

And this is how one thing, one passion leads to another...


Heidi, at some point, will become interested in the Soil and what it can produce for her, and I will be delighted to stand by and watch and offer advice, needed or not, heh, heh...


With extended families there is not always as much time as one wishes to have. We only spent an afternoon with our ten month old twin granddaughters...not nearly enough time for me to even distinguish the two with any certainty. I discovered, however, that they are intensely huggable, never mind which one it is...Kaleelah or Keauni.

Another suspicious tooth...yes, very slimy and disgusting, for sure!

Graydon was counting the days and nights we had remaining to our stay every day. When the time came to leave that little boy, my heart bled, as I know his did as well. It is the hardest thing for me to leave my family, all of them, knowing there are many things I will miss as they go about their lives.

Granddaughters Kaleelah and Keauni...

But. I am so grateful I am able to have great quality to our relationships, even if there is not much quantity. All of us in my family have worked hard to keep our contact with each other close, no matter the distance between us.


I find I love being a grandmother. I find it is, perhaps, my passion. It is so great to watch these little people grow into adults, with no more requirement on my part than to listen, advise and love, and with no expectations. What will be, will be. How different from parenting!


And so. Now I am at home, picking up the threads of my own life. What will be ahead, in the coming, tumultuous year?

A young mule Deer welcoming us home, back to the Forest...

No matter. I will live life day to day, as I have practiced doing for the last few months. I am becoming better at it; the difficulty is with knowing which day it is in the mundane World. Living life in the now, this instant, has its drawbacks, at times.


I wish all of you, those of you that have taken time out of your busy lives to read this long essay and those of you that haven't, all of you...a happy and healthy and abundantly, loving year in 2012. May you all experience balance and serenity and joyful, peaceful energies in the year to come...


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Faces

The Gardener

The last month has been rushed; with Graham not up to par, me becoming ill with a particularly vicious little bug who did not want to let go, there has been little time to write. 

Once, not so long ago, I would have taken any opportunity to write. I would surmise circumstances do take a toll, as one ages and gains a little wisdom from the results of pushing oneself too early into responsibilities, after a flu bug strikes.

There is one thing, however, which has given me peace and has kept me balanced...

Over the last while, for perhaps a couple of months, I have felt the increasing urge to draw faces. Of whom, I have no idea. But the urge is strong and I find myself drawing a face each and every time a pen and a piece of paper present themselves.

This is something very new to me. I am a painter of landscapes...drawing something is not a thing I have explored, letting alone drawing faces of people only I can see.

The Teacher

I am a doodler; a sketcher of wishes and dreams. The faces displayed here have been scanned. It seems blue ink does not scan as well as black and so much of the detail is lost. But there is much more character...lines and shading...to the faces than you see here.


And that is not something I would have thought I could do...fine detailing such as I have been doing would have been anathema to me, even just a few months ago. I did not have the patience.


But since the portals opened on October 28 and November 11, the urge to draw these fantastical faces, some of them, has grown stronger, if that could be possible. I find myself lost in time as yet another character appears beneath my pen.

The Librarian

And as well...I must tell you about the dream...one that has been recurring over and over for awhile. In the dream, I am in a classroom. The mood is joyous; it seems the entire class has passed a test, one that was particularly difficult. I do not feel as if I am singled out...I see my classmates and the figure whom I take to be the teacher, although he is vague. The dream becomes one so familiar, I  find myself sliding into it easily two or three times a week.

In the last dream, as I sat in my desk, putting papers away...it was one of those old wooden desks we had in our elementary school, with the slanted top, pencil grooves and paste container hole, with scrolled metal sides...someone leaned over my shoulder. I remember being startled. No one had spoken to me before this.


I did not see him but I did feel his energy. He told me...Make sure you keep the drawings...


I did not think to ask why or what he was referring to. And in any case, I almost immediately woke up.

Keeper of the Hearth

After a cup of coffee, consultation with Graham and a very cold walk outside with Lucky, I concluded the fellow in my dream meant the faces I'd been drawing. There were no other drawings the dream man could have meant.


I had not been keeping any of the faces in order. They were everywhere...it took some time to gather them all up, learning to treat them with some respect, and scanning them. As I did this, I was astonished at how many there were.


It was as if I had drawn all these unknown faces in a dream, or at least without conscious effort. I had certainly not been giving them any respect...


I believe this is a lesson I had to re-learn. Once upon a time, years ago, I painted...mostly landscapes, as I've mentioned...and I took college Art classes for two years. It took almost six months in the class before I could take compliments on my work. Criticism was not difficult to take, but those who praised my work received short shrift.

The Poet

I knew I was not any good, you see, at painting. I took the classes only because I loved Art. I thought the people who actually paid money for my work were deluded.


This state of mind has its roots in a former high school Art teacher, who once told me I did chocolate box paintings...no creativity there whatsoever. What I forgot, after a talk with the professor of my college Art classes, is that the high school teacher and I were at each other's throats, for much of the time I spent in his classes. And on a day where the World seemed too much for him, perhaps...on that day, he decided to lash out at his recalcitrant student.


I made an effort, after the talk with my professor, to look at my work with different eyes. I succeeded to a degree...but again, there was now someone in my life, my ex this time, who did not like my paintings or the time it took to do them, time taken from him...and once again, I let someone else decide the worth of my paintings. It was a very easy thing to do...I had not entirely shrugged off the

The Forester

idea that my paintings were worthless, even then. Having somebody corroborate that idea...well...you can see how easily I slid backwards.


After the dream, I remembered my conversation with the professor; I decided to let the feelings of worthlessness...because really, that is what it is...fall away. It was time to let garbage like this go. For good and all.


It really doesn't matter if the faces I draw are any good or not. I love drawing them.

The Baker

I don't know who these people are. They are figments of my imagination. It doesn't really matter...perhaps one day, I will actually meet someone who strikes a chord, someone who looks a little like these drawings.


The Universe works in strange, truly creative ways.

Without the dream, I know I would have continued to draw, but I would not have kept them or had any attachment to them. They would have been relegated to a pile somewhere, anywhere. I would not have recognized the passion I have only just re-discovered.

The Photographer

Perhaps I will have another dream...one which will tell me who these faces belong to.


These days, I wouldn't count that idea out...