When the World crashes, when the sound and feel of the crash is more than I can bear, I seek Water. For a Piscean fish, to be too far from my greatest source of comfort, is to find the very act of breathing becomes impaired and my judgement and balance is nowhere to be found.
But there is one source, here in this Ice-locked Land, here where one cannot see the Water beneath the Ice-covered Lakes. There is one place I can go to throw the garbage which threatens to overwhelm me.
The Fraser River runs strong and true through the Cariboo. Ice covers the shore, trying with desperation to stop the flow of Water which seeks the Ocean. Ice does not match the strength of the great Fraser.
Today, I packed up my emotions, tying them tightly into a bundle of woe. As difficult as it might be to let go and let Creator, I know, with strong intuition, to hold on to bothersome thoughts and actions will only create more anguish.
I am tired of anguish, and so I hold on to the railing of the old bridge which still, after all these years, is navigable. The sense of history surrounds me here, and even with the vicious cold, I feel comfort emanating from the River which rushes on beneath me.
I try and take photos, but it is too cold. My camera only gives me blurred images...much like what I see with eyes filled with tears. This is a difficult thing which I have set for myself and yet I accept the challenge given to me. I have endeavoured to do less; it is not working.
I am alone, here on the bridge. I have walked a ways, with North Wind as my companion. It is fitting to walk into the cold, clear arms of this North Wind...his strength and clarity will give me recovery on this strange road I must take.
I must break ties, I must cut the cord which threatens to wrap itself far too tightly around my emotions, my senses and my being. It is time to rid myself of the belittling thoughts which occur in the deep night, when the World lies sleeping.
I say the Serenity Prayer, over and over. Strength comes out of nowhere, even as I ask for it. Wisdom, as well. It is only Serenity which will take its time in finding me.
Serenity will be mine, after I have thrown my package into the churning, freezing Waters of the Fraser. But I find I want to nurture my strongly wrapped package just a little longer...and I ask Wind...Is this the right thing to do? The consequences are so great. Please help...
Wind shrieks, tugging at my hair and my jacket. The rushing Waters and the sound of North Wind blends...I feel as if I am in a maelstrom of churning, dark, reeking sensations. Wind asks...Do you want these ties to follow you on for the rest of your days? Do you really want that?
Suddenly, I am past thinking about the frauds that exist, the scams that have followed me, even here to the Cariboo, the farthest North I have ever been. Suddenly, without further query, my package falls far below to the fast Waters.
I weep...strong, silent tears which, even as they fall, are whipped away by the North Wind. I begin to see clarity. I begin to lose the desperation, loss, anger and fear which has defined my days, hours and minutes.
I have survived much worse than this. And my belief that there is a reason behind every action will comfort me, in the days ahead. While life may look darkly upon me, at this moment, I feel a strong sense of relief. The heavy weight on my chest is receding.
My balance returns. Whereas before, I felt I was in the middle of a tidal wave which smashed me upon the shore with a force for which I have no words...now the dizziness and disorientation which has coloured my days moves off into the far distant horizon.
Tears are beginning to cleanse the inner helplessness and anguish. I am thankful I have the knowledge and strength to deal with loss and grief, as difficult as it is.
Once more, the grieving process results in transformation. I will go on, a little wiser, a tiny bit tougher...
When the World crashes, when betrayal abounds and the heart hurts with a ferocity that makes breathing difficult, letting go, cutting cords, something I do not do lightly, lets me continue on with this strange journey I have chosen.
It is only another learning process, after all.