Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Time

Time passes so quickly these days. Have you noticed? One day melts into another, phasing quickly into weeks and months.

As I look back over the events in the past, the difficult times are easier to remember.  I wonder why this is so.  There has been much joy in my life as well and yet...


I learned more lessons from the vicious times.  The joys made me grateful and happy and I may have taken them for granted.  An eternal optimist, I felt life was supposed to be full of joy. It wasn't supposed to be full of anguish.

When travails happened, as they surely did, no matter my optimism, I became confused.  Why? What did I do to incur the wrath of the Universe?  And surely, surely...there would be no more sad moments. I was done with that.  Wasn't I?



I read somewhere most people have at least one life crisis, during their lifetime. After my first marriage broke apart and I weathered that Storm, I pledged to do and be the best I could be in my second marriage. Surely I had learned my lessons, had I not?


Time passed...one day melting into another.Two decades of days and months and years. Many joys occurred during this long period of time... these memories are where my mind lingers today. They bring a fullness to my heart and a smile to my face.


There was anguish as well. Alcoholism became a crutch, for a few years, which at the time felt like a forever sentence. The death of a daughter and the death of a marriage...one Storm of anguish melted into another. Days, months and years were spent trying to find healing, trying to find where I had gone so wrong.


Time, once again, came to the rescue. Time and excruciatingly honest, hard work on the deeply buried inner me. But time, during this period, moved so slowly.  I remember. I remember counting the minutes, the hours, sometimes.

My mind no longer lingers on this period.  I worked hard. I learned. I held nothing back, taking each part of myself and examining it minutely. And finally, I understood.

Now, I feel as if the past was all a very hazy dream. As the rest of my life...the future...is, today.  And if I dream well from here, if I take the lessons learned from the nightmares and apply them with gusto...well, then, doesn't it follow the dreamed future will be less difficult and more joyous?


During the nightmare, I dreamed of a future very similar to the one I am living now. I had Time, after all, to do so. It was a very specific plan, and I never deviated from it. Faith in an unknown future, where the World gave happiness instead of pain, became uppermost in my thoughts.


I am happy, today.  And so, it seems the days pass quickly. It is only when I obsess wildly, or am upset about a thing, that the minutes seem to crawl. Crawling minutes are alright, as well, if I learn something from them.


I find it strange.  When I want to hold on to times of happiness, they pass so quickly.  When I want to move on, when I am anxious or upset, those times go so slowly.


Living in today, however, I don't need to remember the horrors of the past. They have shaped me...and here I am. The joys I celebrated are tucked in a very accessible area of my heart. I revisit them often.

And I don't need to worry about the future, because my dreams project contentment and happiness and wonderful joy...and because, really, only time will tell.



In the future, if the Universe throws a curve ball my Way, I will remember it is possible to find joy, always, once again.


And now, today, I will grasp each fleeting miracle, each small joy, and shelter it within my heart, as fuel for Hope during the less than times.


Pericles said..."Wait for that wisest of all counsellors, Time."


Guess he was right.

10 comments:

  1. There's a line from a Radiohead song that describes my life as it is now (and the foreseeable future): "I'm not living, I'm just killing time." That's pretty depressing but apt. But you've given me hope and I thank you for that.

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  2. I agree, I feel time speeded up with the new millenium as I just cannot get any day planned and do what I planned before I run out of time.

    Yes I think most hit rock bottom once or more in their lives whether it is trauma of a divorce, alcohol etc or a combination of many things. I know I have had mine but finally I am happy in my skin.

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  3. very true!!! Time really is a gr8 healing agent for the injuries on our heart.

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  4. Well said! I am glad you are in this place, content that you can weather life as it unveils itself.

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  5. I once heard that time is just the distance between events. I guess that's why it seems like such a looooong time if there aren't many events. On the other hand, a heartbeat can be an event.
    Thank you for allowing me to philosophize on your blog. But you bring up the interesting questions.

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  6. Hello Marion,
    I once read somewhere that the whole of your life is summed up as the dash between the dates on your tomb stone. With that perspective then I see no reason to regret anything. It is what it is and makes me the wonderful character that I am today.
    Thanks for a beautiful post.
    Much love to you!

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  7. Fantastic post! Why is it that people spend more time dwelling on the bad things that happen in life, instead of all the good things that happen? I find that I often fall into that trap myself. I know I have had many more good times than bad, but it is harder to remember them. Perhaps it is because the happy times leave no scars behind to remind us of what once was...

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  8. Livia,

    I hope things look up for you. For sure I have gone through periods like that. I remember really disliking the term Time heals all things. But in my case, it really is true, mostly. There are still some tender scars which flare up now and again.

    Jackie,

    Me too. It is so great to finally feel happy in our skins! Probably I had to find out how tough that skin can be.

    Sheila,

    Thank you. It's taken some work to get here...but I'm so glad to be feeling contentment. And quite a lot of peace, as well.

    Goatman,

    Yes, all the little things making up the day can be an event...from getting up in the morning and brushing my teeth.

    Time and the description of it...the feeling of it...is difficult for me to convey. I can go really deep into that rabbit hole when I think of time, lol!

    Miruh,

    I love that! The dash between the dates on the tombstones. A great lesson in humbleness.

    It is comforting as well, I find...when there is a crisis in my life to understand how really small it is in the scheme of things.

    PD,

    Yes. Those scars can get quite tender at times. And I think that is why there are so many joyous, miraculous moments, even if they are not always remembered, to keep us going, to give strength and hope.

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  9. Saurabh,

    Time works for me. Especially if I can put the past to rest and find acceptance!

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  10. Great post, Marion.

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