Having recently gone through a firestorm of lost trust, shaky faith and deep hurt and anger, I think I may have found the right path to the other side.
One of the many counselors that drifted in and out of my life once taught me that anger chases depression away...that depression is anger gone inward.
It is not a pretty sight when I get angry; it is not a pretty sight when anybody gets angry. Far stronger words than "pretty" describe anger.
I don't seem to get angry in a mild way. Furious is more the word, when all the buttons are pushed. I scare small children; the enormous energy that emanates from me at those times I have had to learn to rein in, lest I frighten my own small family, during my parenting years.
I have heard that in my childhood, my tantrums were legendary.
With maturity, I rarely let my anger show. I will acknowledge to myself that I feel angry, and I might feel that way for awhile, but I have learned to release it in other, more healthy ways.
But every once in a great while, when the Tower falls and my world seems full of judgments, loss of trust, and deeply hurtful situations...the gauzy veil of Fury falls, colouring my world with strong, fire-engine red overtones.
It happened recently. One after another, people I trusted, people whose wisdom I admired...were able to find those well-hidden buttons, the scar tissue of bone-deep boils that were not entirely cleared. Until there were so many hits to my soul, I no longer greeted the day with peace, but with the ready stance of a warrior, instead.
Always vigilant, ever wary.
It could be said that as my anger built, the logical amongst us, those who think with their left brains, would say it would have to release at some point. But there were so many shots in such a short period, I had no way to process any of them. The daggers and swords that sliced into me only piled up...and up.
And I think with my right brain.
Intuitively, after much meditation, I reached the conclusion that there were some things in these situations of grief, destroyed trust and judgmental calls that were the same. I was directed to look at the similarities in all of them.
That was good advice, but as I acted on it, I fell into depression...along with another Winter Virus, I felt barely able to function. I wrote horribly, depressing posts, none of which were posted. If I felt as if my world had turned upside down, I didn't see a good reason to drag others along...
It seemed the Universe was urging me along on my unwilling journey... with the Virus, I was unable to escape the building anger by digging the Earth or by scouring the walls.
Instead, I found articles, given by a Divine hand, that led me down various healing paths. But all this new-found knowledge didn't coalesce, in my fogged, grey outlook on the world.
I needed to clear that fog.
And I would have to face my anger to do it. My anger and the resulting fall-out. The detritus of a furious outburst stays long, has its own time line.
I blew. I walked around in an adrenaline fueled red cloud. Frustrated and wrapped up in wrath, I stomped and burned. I raged. And I asked why. What was the sense of all this fiery energy boiling throughout my body? What was it I needed to see? What?!
It was as if the fury built to a crescendo. With clashing cymbals and booming drums, the answer burst through my consciousness, with the force of an avalanche.
I had regressed. I had allowed numerous warning signals to go unheeded, making excuses, hiding in denial. I allowed people close to me to under- estimate me, until the pushing grew too intense. I hid my boundaries.
In others' eyes, I became a non-entity. I took criticism so well, didn't I, always considerate of another's point of view. I could be pushed around, manipulated and stomped on, because I only smiled and gave assurances things would be better tomorrow...even when spite and judgment were directed at the deepest parts of me.
I forgot, for awhile, that I am a strong woman. That I have learned many ways to deal with the slings and arrows, that I did not have to duck, that I could fight back.
A difficult concept for a pacifist to grasp.
I want others to understand that even though I am a peace lover; even if I present gentle- ness and serenity and under- standing in my demeanor, there is a limit. Perhaps, should there be a next time when wars are being fought against me, I can show this limit before a world war appears.
I want myself to understand that my desire is to please others, and in so doing, I may not always follow the best path for me. And unless others are totally impeccable, they will continue to demand more and more of me. It is a part of the human condition.
I thought I had my boundaries in place. And I did, for a time. But they became comfortable, like a well-worn shoe. I hardly noticed they were there, anymore. I didn't do a check to see if some were outmoded, or others needed tweaking.
There were unhealthy cords, too, that needed to be cut. Attachments to old thoughts and reactions and people or things that no longer served me well had to be weeded out.
Creator knows best when the time is right to finally learn and retain a lesson...all the struggling for answers was in vain, until the time was right.
Peace eased the rampant fury, as I finally found and re-membered my way.