Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Fury

Having recently gone through a firestorm of lost trust, shaky faith and deep hurt and anger, I think I may have found the right path to the other side.

One of the many counselors that drifted in and out of my life once taught me that anger chases depression away...that depression is anger gone inward.

It is not a pretty sight when I get angry; it is not a pretty sight when anybody gets angry. Far stronger words than "pretty" describe anger.

I don't seem to get angry in a mild way. Furious is more the word, when all the buttons are pushed. I scare small children; the enormous energy that emanates from me at those times I have had to learn to rein in, lest I frighten my own small family, during my parenting years.

I have heard that in my childhood, my tantrums were legendary.

With maturity, I rarely let my anger show. I will acknowledge to myself that I feel angry, and I might feel that way for awhile, but I have learned to release it in other, more healthy ways.

But every once in a great while, when the Tower falls and my world seems full of judgments, loss of trust, and deeply hurtful situations...the gauzy veil of Fury falls, colouring my world with strong, fire-engine red overtones.

It happened recently. One after another, people I trusted, people whose wisdom I admired...were able to find those well-hidden buttons, the scar tissue of bone-deep boils that were not entirely cleared. Until there were so many hits to my soul, I no longer greeted the day with peace, but with the ready stance of a warrior, instead.

Always vigilant, ever wary.

It could be said that as my anger built, the logical amongst us, those who think with their left brains, would say it would have to release at some point. But there were so many shots in such a short period, I had no way to process any of them. The daggers and swords that sliced into me only piled up...and up.

And I think with my right brain.

Intuitively, after much meditation, I reached the conclusion that there were some things in these situations of grief, destroyed trust and judgmental calls that were the same. I was directed to look at the similarities in all of them.

That was good advice, but as I acted on it, I fell into depression...along with another Winter Virus, I felt barely able to function. I wrote horribly, depressing posts, none of which were posted. If I felt as if my world had turned upside down, I didn't see a good reason to drag others along...

It seemed the Universe was urging me along on my unwilling journey... with the Virus, I was unable to escape the building anger by digging the Earth or by scouring the walls.

Instead, I found articles, given by a Divine hand, that led me down various healing paths. But all this new-found knowledge didn't coalesce, in my fogged, grey outlook on the world.

I needed to clear that fog.

And I would have to face my anger to do it. My anger and the resulting fall-out. The detritus of a furious outburst stays long, has its own time line.

I blew. I walked around in an adrenaline fueled red cloud. Frustrated and wrapped up in wrath, I stomped and burned. I raged. And I asked why. What was the sense of all this fiery energy boiling throughout my body? What was it I needed to see? What?!

It was as if the fury built to a crescendo. With clashing cymbals and booming drums, the answer burst through my consciousness, with the force of an avalanche.

I had regressed. I had allowed numerous warning signals to go unheeded, making excuses, hiding in denial. I allowed people close to me to under- estimate me, until the pushing grew too intense. I hid my boundaries.

In others' eyes, I became a non-entity. I took criticism so well, didn't I, always considerate of another's point of view. I could be pushed around, manipulated and stomped on, because I only smiled and gave assurances things would be better tomorrow...even when spite and judgment were directed at the deepest parts of me.

I forgot, for awhile, that I am a strong woman. That I have learned many ways to deal with the slings and arrows, that I did not have to duck, that I could fight back.

A difficult concept for a pacifist to grasp.

I want others to understand that even though I am a peace lover; even if I present gentle- ness and serenity and under- standing in my demeanor, there is a limit. Perhaps, should there be a next time when wars are being fought against me, I can show this limit before a world war appears.

I want myself to understand that my desire is to please others, and in so doing, I may not always follow the best path for me. And unless others are totally impeccable, they will continue to demand more and more of me. It is a part of the human condition.

I thought I had my boundaries in place. And I did, for a time. But they became comfortable, like a well-worn shoe. I hardly noticed they were there, anymore. I didn't do a check to see if some were outmoded, or others needed tweaking.

There were unhealthy cords, too, that needed to be cut. Attachments to old thoughts and reactions and people or things that no longer served me well had to be weeded out.

Creator knows best when the time is right to finally learn and retain a lesson...all the struggling for answers was in vain, until the time was right.

Peace eased the rampant fury, as I finally found and re-membered my way.

32 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Marion!!!

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  2. Anger turned inward is depression alright! That's my usual modus operandi, but I'm glad for your sake that you found a way to release all that negative energy. And I'm glad that you have people in your life who can weather the storm of your fury.

    When I blow, it's usually in uncontrollable crying fits, rather than anger. My poor hubby bears the brunt of all that emotion, but when it's all over, I feel much better. Not so sure about HIM, though, as I know it's upsetting to see any loved one that miserable.

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  3. Boy oh boy did I see some of ME in your post! Thanks, Marion, for your words of encouragement and wisdom. They may have been aimed at you, but I have benefited, too. hugssssss

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  4. Thank you for the good wishes, Janey...my actual birthday isn't until the 26th of February, but I generally celebrate the whole of the month, lol!

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  5. It's the fallout of my anger that I so dislike...the other people that get all tangled up in MY anger.

    So, generally, when I feel anger rising, I go and work it off with physical labour, releasing enormous amounts of negativity that way. Works for me...whatever I was angry about becomes far less invasive!

    But, DB, if you didn't let all the stress you are under out in some way, I just hate to think...and your hubby probably enjoys it much more when you feel better!

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  6. Thank you, Lorna...I am so sorry about you breaking your other wrist, just as one was healing!

    I'm sending you lots of Reiki healing energy!

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  7. Happy birth month!! I start reminding my family at the beginning of March that it is my birth month and to act accordingly. This was an amazing post and I could easily relate to what you said.

    The pictures of the babies were so precious. When I see pictures of children and dogs, I just forget anger, depression and all negativity.

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  8. I know exactly what you mean, Jan. It is the sense of innocence I love, that and the fact that their whole being shines out of their eyes!

    I'll have to include cats in this one, though...

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  9. I always learn something from your posts. It is interesting to folllow you on your inward thought journeys. My mother used to chop wood when she was angry. I walk and walk hard and fast and I take every side of a conversation. Eventually, I work things out and I've had a workout as well :)

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  10. You express so well how we can feel we have it together and then boom
    old buttons are pushed and we are forced to face our vulnerability.

    Have always found these moments healing in the long term,

    best wishes, The Artist

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  11. I think,you have summed up the crux of life when you say that only Creator knows what is right for us.If we stick to this always,we shall never feel depressed or angered.An enlightening message.You are doing noble work.Good luck.

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  12. All of us have anger inside somewhere wait to vent. It takes some a little longer to get the volcano to erupt. Me it used to take miliseconds now as I walk past the midpoint in my life the volcano has or is becoming more dormant and things that use to upset the soul now just floats down and is taken with a grain of salt. I am sure this is all part of the growing process. Again, we have this in us to teach us a lesson. So, we have to sit outside our body and see what is going on inside of being and learn. It is ongoing, and by reading your words it seems as if the lessons are going well.
    Thanks for sharing

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  13. If anger turned inward is depression than why, when the anger is released, are we still depressed?
    I would say more that the anger is a product of depression. That being the chemical imbalance in the brain which produces the feeling of their not being a stable handle to hold onto.
    Seems that as the depression is treated thru talk therapy and chemical intervention they will both work themselves out.
    Thanks for bringing up a topic widespread to a lot of us.
    Best to ye!

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  14. I am with Lorna... you could have been writing about me in much of this too...

    Ok some thoughts... you mentioned that anger turned inward is depression and that anger chases depression away... perhaps you NEEDED to let that anger out to get over your depression. The virus you caught was probably related to the fact that your body was in this stressed mode and less equip to deal with fighting off illness as it was fighting internally.

    I have that fury in me as well... as did both my parents. I havent matured to be able to control it very well... I am getting there. I used to be much worse. Now I just let my anger rise with my family... unfortunately its probably the worse place possible... ie hurting the ones you love most. I go to bed and pray daily that I am not scaring my kids for life. I am lucky that their Dad is the total opposite and they will have a positive roll model to mirror... NOT ME!

    There are so many parts to each of us. Some good and some a challenge... but its the combination of them all that give us our character. I applaud you for continuing to grow and learn about yourself. I think that many people just write off that they are as they are and wont be able to change. I disagree totally! We should live to the fullest and not let challenges hold us from moving forward! I hear in your words that you are doing this.

    Have a great weekend! I am glad you are back from the dark side... Having been there myself, I know its probably still gonna linger a bit... keep writing and focus on the positive!

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  15. HAPPY BIRTHDAY all month then!!! I stopped by to let you know that your BLOG VILLAGE Interview is live!!!

    And on the subject of anger...I tend to let things go...most of the time...but when the same something nags for a long time...watch out.

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  16. Oh, how I miss chopping wood...it was one of my favourite ways to release a building anger in me. Truly, there is nothing like it!

    Pauline, it's so funny when you say you take every side of the conversations...I do the same...and usually come to conclusions that allow anger to dribble away.

    Sometimes, though,running other peoples' comments through my brain can fuel my anger, too, lol!

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  17. Artist, I felt immensely better after my outburst. One thing I forgot to mention in my post is that I was alone when the volcano blew, something I try very hard to do,now, as I grow older.

    If I release fury that way, I don't feel so badly for other people who have to witness my tantrum!

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  18. Thank you, Surjit...Creator does have his own time line...One day I will mature to the point where I always remember that, instead of letting my ego full rein!

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  19. Oh Dave, most things, for me now, are taken with a grain of salt, as you say...and allowed to filter away.I realized a long time ago that to allow anger full rein helped nobody, least of all me...this kind of fury just made me look like a fool! lol

    I am so thankful for the wisdom of maturity, where I realize, finally, too "to sit outside" myself...and dissect the garbage floating around inside!

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  20. Goatman, I think the term "depression" is used far too quickly these days, and thank you for bringing my usage of the word to my attention.

    My resultant depression of stuffing anger to keep the status quo was not clinical depression, in which I agree with talk therapy and chemical intervention when needed.

    My "depression" was a sad mood, a down time...I should have mentioned I only felt down for a couple of days.

    Real depression... with which I have had experience in myself and in others around me...does not leave as quickly as mine did.I apologize if I gave the impression that a blow out could cure clinical depression.

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  21. Kate, you're absolutely right! I am afraid of my anger and the damage it can do, and so I hold it way down deep inside. I am usually able to work thru it, given time.

    But this time, the hits came so quickly, and there were so many of them, there was no time to work it out! I knew I was going to release it with a huge storm of emotion.

    And you're right...there is still just a bit of fallout left...but one thing about an enormous release of fury is that for me...it does indeed chase those black tidbits that have attached themselves to me away.

    In younger years, I would get angry and then immediately feel great, while my family was still reeling. I did not like this at all, and discovered I wanted to deal with my anger a different way.

    Sometimes I just forget all I have learned, though...lol!!!!

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  22. Janey...thank you for the birthday wishes for the whole month...I love February just because there are so many reasons to celebrate! It brings light to what can be a dark month.

    Thank you also for letting me know my interview is on Blog Village...um, I tend to hide from things like this one, lol!!!

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  23. Marion, this is my first visit here and I will return. I learned so much. I get depressed, my husband gets angry. We have both learned how to be present, in all ways, but not take it personally.

    It's so transforming to have someone in your life that allows you to be and grow in that way.

    Blessed be.

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  24. Good post Marion. It's always best not to bottle up your emotions including anger and find a release for them. I usually go to the gym or for a run to let my agressions out! Happy Birthday Marion! I enjoyed your interview over at Blog Village.

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  25. Thich Nhat Hanh in (I think) his book, Anger, recommends having a quiet room in every home, where anger never goes, only peace and tranquility. I think that's great, and wish I had an extra room I could dedicate to that. I do have a certain corner of the living room where I meditate, and I try to never go there angry.

    But I don't think it's healthy to hold anger in. We need more safe outlets for it. Places where it's okay to storm, stomp, yell and hit things -- without injuring ourselves. Sometimes I know I could use a good rubber room where no one can see me in my ugliest moments. I used to scream when alone in the car sometimes. At heart I'm a pacifist, but I'm a feisty, frustrated, and furious one at times. And I'm sure it's true that anger turned inwards feeds depression.

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  26. When some thing happens or a change occurs in our like we go through many stages for sadness, mourning then into anger, before accepting the fact. After wards we start experimenting with new ways / ideas and finally we are out of it. Well thats part of the theory.

    Happy birthday.

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  27. Anger is such a weird emotion isn't it. Like lorna I also want to say boy oh boy, did I see some of ME in those lines, I can have moments of loosing it too especially when I'm tired or in a hurry and things don't work out for me! We are all human. You must be very artistic because your photo's that you use always fits your posts so well!
    Have a happy week!!

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  28. Marion, I think a lot of people including myself can relate to your situation. Although anger isn't normally how my body handles times of depression.. most times it gets bottled up inside me and I take it out on myself..no physically but emotionally and mentally.

    Today- in this age it is not an easy walk, we constantly live in a world of uncertainty where finding the good is harder to see, where people who we think our friends, turn out not to be so.

    The good part, is that we don't have to change, we can still overcome our demons and with the knowledge be able to share our experiences and perhaps help others along the way.

    Thank you for sharing, my friend. :)

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  29. Welcome, Kathryn! My life changed when I met Graham...who does accept every little part of me and truly listens.

    I look forward to getting to know you!

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  30. Thank you, Naomi...digging, or the aforementioned wood chopping works, too!

    Barbara, I don't know how many times I have shrieked, at the top of my lungs, in the car. It felt as if the sudden release left the tension behind, as I drove on.

    And a room that is soundproofed is on my wish list, too!

    Davem, you're right on...it seems there are stages to working out anger, grief, even joys!

    Thank you, Hannalie...have a great week yourself! I hope everything goes well for you, as busy as you are!

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  31. Matt, one of these days, I promise myself I will overcome all my demons, lol! Guess I've still got lessons to learn, and deeply hidden sore spots to face yet.

    Thank YOU for sharing!

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  32. Sorry I missed your birthday yesterday. Hope you had a wonderful time. I see we are both Pisces.

    Excellent post.

    I had depression from when I was little until I became Vegan. I am therefore not sure whether I grew out of it or it was because I stopped taking pharmaceuticals including HRT as I cannot take anything tested on animals now. Maybe it was because I was no longer angry with myself for causing distress to all of God's creatures, who knows. Anyway it's gone and that's all that matters :)

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