Saturday, April 25, 2009

Don't Forget to Download

Lately, dreams are extremely prevalent during my sleep...and in many ways, they are similar to Graham's nightly visions as well. 

We both dream of a man neither of us with a very strong energy signature. And both of us dream about houses in ever increasing numbers.

But last night, a night filled with dreams running into one another, the only dream I remember with great clarity is where I am receiving advice by the aforementioned man...a man familiar and yet not...

Guides show up in various guises, but when one shows up with regularity, I must assume he has been sent to show me the way on the Rocky road I am currently travelling.

He was in the company of my mother, both of them standing on a large promontory above me. Both were smiling gently, staring down at me. It was a sunny day and I was busily moving packages from one place to another. There were coloured papers, larger than confetti, yet with similar attributes, floating around me.  I remember most of the papers were pink...the colour of Love.

It was difficult to move those boxes and packages.  I have recently been diagnosed with a muscular disorder, in real life. I recall the pain I felt as I busily carried these boxes and packages down a sloping, stony path and I remember ignoring and defying the painful burning emanating from overworked muscular tissue.

Much as I do, during the hours I am awake. The doctor's  diagnosis is only beginning to be processed; I am still in the stage of denial. Anger and bargaining will be next, in the road to acceptance of a condition for which there is no cure.

However, in my dream, along with the pain, I was filled with optimism, instead of feeling as if I was slogging through muddy, tangled and swampy Forests, with no end in easy sight. The path I was on was Rocky, to be sure, yet easily navigable.

I listened to the familiar man speak.  Every time he appears, I seem to be busily trying to find order in an increasingly troubled atmosphere.

I remember much conversation between this man and my mother.  They were discussing me and the boxes and packages.  My mother seemed well and happy; much younger than her age when she died. She laughed at the pretty pink papers floating in the air, pointing at this one and that.

There didn't seem to be much purpose to this dream. But I understood, during the dream, that it was very important; I was to remember it. And yet, I had no idea why I thought so...

He spoke to me.  He said...Don't forget to download.

I awoke.  I wanted to continue the dream; I wanted an explanation.  But it was not to be.  I looked at the time...1:15 AM. I thought I would forget, by the time morning arrived, but the first thing that came to me upon awakening was the gentleman's last words of advice.

Don't forget to download.

A computer term. Had I forgotten to do some work I had intended to do on the computer? But no, this explanation seemed too easy.

This gentleman knows me well, even if I have only made his acqaintance recently. He knows I will try to battle my condition by myself, locking in the feelings of sadness and grief, only showing a positive face to the World, even as my insides are knotted and tight.

Perhaps, in his strange words, he was advising me not to hold it all in. Perhaps, there is optimism, as there was in my dream, ahead, after all.  Perhaps, those pink papers I remember so well floating around me, shows the loving energy and support which surrounds me from friends and family.

For once, maybe I am not required to show strength at all times. Falling apart is not in my lexicon...yet, it may be far more healthy than taking years to find acceptance.  

Downloading the steps and feelings of mourning may be far easier than capturing my emotions in boxes and packages, to be placed along that Rocky path, with denial that I ever put them there.

The dream is beginning to make sense, after all. 


  1. You are doing so well to work with your dreams like this - they can be such a source of guidance, clarity and inspiration.
    So sorry to hear about the muscular disorder - I do hope the doctor is able to give you really good help and that the dreams continue to provide you with insight.

  2. Lovely post, there is a wonderful song by the Allman Brothers Band, "Dreams I'll never see"-- that you have reminded me of today...

    It's fairly long, like a dream. :)

  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog Marion!! I've been busy reading yours, and went all the way back to January, trying to find out what is going on with you health wise. Some of what I read sounds like you have some new diagnosis, but
    I couldn't piece it together.

    I ashamed that it's been so long since I've spent time here. Your writing is just as beautiful and compelling as ever!

    Take care old friend!

  4. You are not alone in your "battle" unless you want to be. I hate that word, battle, because it assumes that heavy artillery will be part of the fight-- and I guess it is in the case of chemo and radiation treatments. But cannot we respond with positive emotions, the love of others, and a will to continue --- as well?
    I am being monitored for an odd protein (M spike) which in 30% of cases is the precurser to multiple myeloma which apparently invades the bone marrow cells and impacts on the body's ability to fight off infection. This protein was detected in January during a routine physical.
    So far the protein has gone from 8.2 somethings to 2.0 and remained there for a month, a good sign, so monitoring is the only option so far.
    I feel fine save for the odd aches and pains which, of course, I immediately attribute to a worst-case development. But I must remain positive and hopeful, and talk myself out of the panics ; even if it works out that my luck fails me eventually. A case of "maybe it would be better to get a diagnosis and know for sure rather than the not knowing".

    Enough about me . . . You are strong and with the help of your friends (myself included) and family, positive emotions must prevail!!!

  5. Vanilla,

    Dreams show me options in my life. Always, they have given me complex answers, some not easily decipherable. But they make me see I am not alone; that, in itself, helps so much when I am in a situation I don't understand.


    "Pull myself together, put on a new face, yeah
    Climb down from the hilltop, baby,
    Lord, get back in the race"...Greg Allman

    The song is dreamy and the lyrics are right on. I sat and listened a few times, totally immersed in the music, doodling with my pen.

    Thank you so much for staying in tune and giving me the link. I have placed it on my Bookmarked list.


    Yes. There is a new diagnosis, but I must still see a neurologist to determine if it is correct. This doctor (a Rheumatologist)thinks I have Fibromyalgia, a condition I had never considered, especially when I was told a few years ago I had Rheumatoid Arthritis.

    But the Arthritis changed when I moved to this dry climate, my joints rarely gave me too much trouble. But the soft tissue and muscles burned and cramped all the time, I was losing feeling in my hands and feet, and pins and needles in extremities were a daily occurrence; and so I felt something had changed, and my GP agreed.I was hoping it was a very long flu or something, lol!

    I had been told by a doctor years ago there was no such thing as Fibro; my disbelief at being diagnosed with it recently was impressive. This disbelief is the biggest hurdle in accepting this condition, even as I read stories from people diagnosed with it.

    I have had it for many years, but it would go into remission in my younger years. Now it is my companion all the time. I challenge it constantly, by doing things the way I used to do them. But it bites back and lets me know I must find a different, gentler way in my day-to-day work.

    It is a process, this acceptance of a condition which hurts all the time yet is not life threatening. And people with fibro have to fight the same mindset I once had, since nothing shows on the outside of the person who has it. I must fight my own disbelief, if I am going to tackle this condition with everything I have.

  6. Goatman,

    It's strange...yesterday I thought the term 'suffering an illness' wrong for me. After reading Ed's Health Tips blog...( I remembered something I learned at a pain management clinic years ago...and that was to embrace the pain, rather than suffer or battle it. It worked then; with Ed's suggestions on Fibro, I have hope.

    I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. But, as you say, positive thoughts are so important. I always feel I will manifest the negative thinking, if I do it long enough.

    It is difficult to accept, this limitation on my day to day activities. It makes me mad, which gets me nowhere. I still have trouble, and on top of that, the anger colours every thing and being around me. I refuse to be a bitter old lady, just because I am in pain.

    Onward and upward!

  7. Indeed . . . Your attitude will bring you through.
    Now, with a diagnosis, you can proceed. I am sure much research is being done on fibro since I hear about it alot these days. Perhaps there is a nice website which tracks the current thinking and can lend information.
    Where would we be without the web to connect and obtain help and information?
    Best to ye

  8. Well, I am sorry to read of this health challenge, Marion. I don't know much about the condition but wish you great success in finding the best way to treat it. I am never disappointed with my visits here. Your writing continues as always to be compelling and thought-provoking.

  9. It's funny how some dreams we can remember and others are just a blur Marion. Your Mum and your guide obviously appeared to you for a reason. It's time for you to download all the things that have been burdening you and worrying you, stopping your enjoyment of life and move on. I think that's what they're trying to tell you. I'm really sorry to hear about the health problems you are experiencing Marion. Like Sheila, I wish you every success in finding the best way to treat your condition. Take care of yourself.

  10. Forgive me for trying to interpret your dream, but perhaps the message is not so much to "download" as it is to "put the load down." The boxes you were moving were heavy, or at least difficult to move - to me they represent your troubles, your changes in health etc. The pieces of confetti are everything good in your life, love, happiness, joy. And there are millions of them floating free - memories of events gone by, reflections of things yet to pass. They are far more important and of greater volume than the boxes you are trying to move, and weigh but a fraction. Set the load down and revel in all that is good and you will find the boxes will have moved themselves when all is said and done. And if they don't, then perhaps they were never meant to be moved.

    At least that is my humble insight.
    Good luck.

  11. Sheila,

    I always knew for many years, somewhere within, that the constant pain did not come from arthritis alone. I have some work to do inside before I can accept this one diagnosis. I also have to see a neurologist as yet. It is what it is, really.


    Drop the stuff and get on with it? :) Ok!


    Your dream interpretations are always welcome, PD. It is interesting that I missed the 'put the load down' concept. At the time I wrote this, I was almost ashamed of my diagnosis, because I felt it was all in my head.So I wanted to keep it to myself.

    Now my symptoms are recognized and validated, I understand more about them, and the dream suits your interpretation very well. Precognitive?

    Thanks to all who emailed their good all helped tremendously.It helped to fill my days with joy, instead of the sour, negative thoughts which sometimes took over, as hard as I tried to stay positive!