I awoke this morning hearing, on the Radio, that the lumber mills in the City of Williams Lake had shut down, due to the economic downturn.
A rush of old Fear enveloped me...an old Fear which had attached itself to me at a time in my life when my livelihood depended on the Forestry Industry.
In my twenties, during strike years or simply during the periodic shutdowns of the mills and logging divisions in my town, I had only my background to draw upon. I had grown up with strikes, layoffs and shutdowns.
It was a way of life, back then...but along with the reality of this life I was living came Fear. Was the next pay cheque going to be large enough...was there going to be a next pay cheque at all?
I learned self-sufficiency, as we all do, in really tough times. My children grew up on homemade porridge...served with mixed powdered milk and fresh. Often, there were pancakes for dinner. I canned all the fruits and vegetables I could, being lucky enough to have friends with excess produce...and determined enough that my family have proper nutrients, even in the worst of times.
My first ex-husband hunted game and fished; I learned to use bones and such to make broths and soups and stews. I learned to use rice and potatoes and pasta in many, many different ways...knowledge I still use to this day.
It was the only way I could live,at a young age with Fear attached to me, like an Octopus with its prey. I had to fight back. I had to learn to live up to the circumstances which the Universe had presented to me.
I managed; but Fear, with its insidious Fingers, fastened itself deeply, hiding from view...until this morning.
Cycles continued, during my life...bad times and good. Fear, for all the harm it does, propelled me ever onwards on my quest to find an economic balance in my life. Finally, I faced him down, pushing him as far away from consciousness as I could.
I thought I had relaxed; I thought it was now time to enjoy the ride...
But along the way, there were a few things I had to work on before I found that balance. It took many years, but I was finally able to separate the wants from the needs. I discovered the wisdom and knowledge to do so had been there all along, in a very convoluted way.
As a child, living more by my wants than my needs, I would request a toy or a piece of candy or an ice-cream cone. I would be told...Wait until payday.
Well. More often than not, I would forget all about the object of my desire by the time payday rolled around.It was obviously not required for the wellness of my Being. But it gave my childish mind Hope...at some point, I would receive this thing I had my heart set upon.
Sometimes, as well, it seemed like a long time between paydays. Desire fades, if its not fed.
My mother and I spoke about the 'wait 'till payday' response, not long before she died. She said...I would always remember what you had asked for, but you didn't. And the money was never really there for me to remind you...
I said...You didn't say No...you gave me Hope instead. And perhaps, that was all I really wanted.
And now, in uncertain times when only my faith in Creator is for sure, that Old Man Fear rears his ugly face, spitting and snarling gleefully at me.
Well, once again, I intend to face him down, close the door on his gruesome Mug.
Once again, with economic hardships facing us all, I will stand and face the future using my own resources and Hope, intuitively knowing all my needs will be met.
I'm not so sure about my wants.
I guess I'll just have to wait until payday.