I have been plagued by a bad case of indecision regarding appointments and shopping for myself, for a long while.
I have no trouble making appointments with hairdressers, doctors or dentists, for anyone else. But I tend to ignore my own needs.
I would rather the necessities of Life came to me, rather than me having to go get them. I will put off shopping or appointments for months, until there is no way around it.
And usually, when I go, it is admittedly with a rather negative attitude. Firstly, I am being taken away from things I'd rather be doing. Secondly, the price of 'stuff' these days is abominable to me. And thirdly, I'd rather hang on to each dollar I have, than spend it on the necessary items of living.
Isn't money made for spending on impractical things? I don't seem to have much trouble plunking down my dollars for piece of Artwork, or a much loved Author's new book.
Crowds, too, have an ability to unsettle me. I find it so much more deliciously entertaining to watch the shoppers, rather than keep my mind focused on what I'm supposedly doing. There are myriad events happening all around me, moments and snippets of Life far more interesting than the mundane choosing of toothpaste.
The other day, however, I had occasion to concede defeat. I had to shop for a female garment, finally having to admit my old bra no longer had the strength left in it to fight gravity. I tend to have a couple; they had all broken, as well, during my period of procrastination.
Instead of imagining all sorts of problems, I told myself at the beginning of this scurrilous adventure that I would go with the flow. If the weather was right for walking, I would walk. If there was no parking space close to the store, I would pass on by, going to the next store on my list. If the stores I visited that day didn't have what I required...well, so be it.
I told myself I would remain focused. I made a pledge with myself that I would be very aware of the numbers on the items I chose...the ones that told me how much I had to pay. The ones that so easily transpose themselves in my brain, turning $57 into $75, at the cash register.
I told myself it was time to become more organized, more in control of everyday living, for myself, this time.
The weather was fine in the morning, but after lunch it had turned nasty. Reminding myself to go with the flow, I drove and parked the car, deciding on the spur of the moment to brave Wind and Rain and walk to each vendor.
As I walked, Rain came in sudden torrents, Wind loosened my hair from its bun, and played wildly with the wisps that came loose. I enjoy weather like this...but sometimes it seems as if when I shop for personal items, no matter how good I look when I start out...when I reach the store, I feel bedraggled.
This time was no exception. With Rain streaming down my jacket, hair and face, I walked into the ladies store. It was not long before a clerk approached me with a small towel, asking if I wanted to dry myself.
I chuckled a bit...I must have presented an odd figure...and then noticed others who came in behind me, looking as if they were prepared for a fling in a dress shop, already dressed to the nines. They were greeted respectfully...not one was approached with a towel. There was no need...these ladies were dry and impeccably dressed; they were obviously well-known clientele who would not do anything as foolish as walking in the Rain, to a dress shop.
These women were there not out of need; they were there for the enjoyment of shopping for themselves. An amazing concept to me.
I, on the other hand, smelled like wet wool, with draggly hair that insisted on dripping water all over the clothes on display...
Alright, I told myself, I had made a decision to go with the flow. If I looked like a rat that came in from the cold and wet, well...
It seemed, however, that I had just hit a small obstacle in the current I was presently following. Was this envy I was feeling? Envy for these women's self-assurance, their ability to look good during adverse conditions, their ease of direction in this tony shop's atmosphere?
Yes, it was...and before I caught it, the ease of the flow I had been following changed.
Suddenly, I felt small, less than the rest...
My demeanour and thoughts reflected this sudden attack of Envy. Clothing that I tried on looked lumpy and wrong. The hovering, little, elderly lady, the one who had originally given me the towel, suggested various items be taken to the Changing Room.
Oh, this was dire! No matter the decor, Changing Rooms are designed to make me look at every inch of my body, in cruel, bright light.
I tried to protest, to no avail. I was given a Room, with a choice of Sweaters to try on.
Oh my...When what appeared before my eyes in the mirror was so much less desirous than the well-put-together ladies who were the store's regular clientele, I caught myself. I recognized how I was letting Envy of other women's air of self-confidence colour this whole experience with a negative, black mass of Jealousy.
Events flowed more smoothly, after this small epiphany...the Rocks and Boulders, created by that raging torrent of Envy, were vanquished somewhat.
Far more light-hearted when I came out of the Changing Room, than when I went in, I puzzled the tiny saleslady a little. I was no longer presenting negative energy towards her...my energy signature had changed to a much more positive one. She became a little bewildered in her actions toward me...this agreeable me.
It would be bewildering...she had met me exhilarated by Wind and Rain's energy, bursting through the door as if I owned the shop; she had witnessed my sudden plunge into deep, raging Waters of Envy; now she was speaking to a peaceful, smiling woman. I had confounded her.
As I braved Wind and Rain once more, I headed along the street to the lingerie shop, where a whole different set of circumstances awaited to challenge my newly found serenity. But that's another story.
Suffice it to say, I have not yet found my under-garment that fostered this whole shopping trip, in the first place.
But I realized how very easy it is for me to suddenly be frantically swimming upstream in the flowing River of Life's current, without realizing it. And how, when I become aware of what I'm doing, I can accept, I can turn around, and then...then I can go with the flow of the River once again.
The only thing is...now I'm back to procrastination mode.
That piece of lingerie I require will just have to wait a little longer. It takes strength to go shopping, when I let Creator set the pace, instead of me.
It takes strength to once more face that Changing Room mirror.