Monday, March 05, 2007

Storm Clouds

Storm clouds gather, on the emotional front. I can feel them, as an amor- phous black mass that shifts and pulsates around me.

Sometimes, a little Light shows through the mass...and I find some illumination in those rare flashes.

This Storm that involves family ties, however, has yet to break. I have watched large, seemingly... innocuous looking, puffy, white Clouds change their colour to grey and then to dark, undefined tones. They gather, the Clouds, with strong intent.

And the dark, weighty feeling that is the mass intens- ifies.

This is not the kind of Storm which peters out, which, after great foreboding, melts away into the Sun's light. This Storm will force a great cleansing...but not before a great conflict is endured by everyone who is part of the knotted tangle of cords.

A conflict where I will be challenged to face old beliefs...beliefs that are ingrained in every part of my life. The Storm will require me to cut, irrevocably, ties that no longer serve me well. It will require me, above all, to gather strength from my faith; to use full awareness, authority, clear intent, and impeccability.

Because amongst the conflicting emotional clouds that surround me, shape shifting into surreal points of view, I am catching small glimpses of the serenity I might find after the impending Storm.

There are sudden moments, when the ear-splitting sounds of Clouds clashing has abated, when the Air feels fresh and full of promise, when the scent of Earth replenished and reborn wafts through, and calm regains its foothold...these are the glimpses that give hope. And which make me realize I must stand and face this particular Storm, without running for cover.

I hear the promise, sent on the Wind, that there is tremendous new energy that will be brought to life, after the Storm breaks and is endured. There will be new freedom from the shedding of old ways of thinking. Shedding old beliefs that I hadn't even recognized as erroneous, they were such a deep part of me, also gives rise to sadness. I will mourn those ways of thinking that arose from wearing rose-coloured glasses...not seeing the fullest reality...only that which I wanted to see.

These are the promises; the Storm has not burst upon us yet.

It feels strange to watch as the arguments, the debates and quarrels escalate, and know, without a doubt, that they are absolutely necessary. It feels odd to explore a new order in my life, one where I dash many childhood beliefs, breaking them into smithereens...

And it hurts. As more and more of the garbage left over from years past find their way to the Light of Day, the more I must endure those shafts of pain in my soul. The baby part of my soul, the one who hasn't grown up yet, the one who so wanted to believe an ideal...that little part is very sore, very tender.

I must be very sure the baby part of me does not gain the upper hand in the upcoming bursting of the volcano of emotional lava that is suffocating my sisters and I, as we go through the tremendous change in all our lives by my mother's declining health. I want the balanced part of me to face this huge Storm that will soon be unleashed.

I have made my preparations. I want to go into the Storm with as many tools as I can gather. I must have clear, balanced thinking, not letting myself sway on the tightrope of life. I want to be very sure of the path ahead for awhile...no more meandering along. I must be sharp.

This Storm of emotion is common, when a parent fails. When old hurts, old sores re-open...and there is a changing order that comes into play, one with a dark underlay. Who to believe? What to remember? Where is the gain or the loss in the parcels we have hidden in the dark, tunneled recesses of our collective minds? And when will the tied bits of string around those parcels...break?

Storm clouds gather, growing ever more ominous. It will be the bursting of the abscess that has grown, hidden, for many years.

Just as a tumultuous, passionate Wind and Rain Storm nourishes the soil and cleanses the dusty detritus off of Mother Earth's surface...so will these emotional drops that fall from the impending Storm nourish a new beginning.

One where we walk without the old, tattered parcels of pain.

15 comments:

  1. I fear that the old "tattered parcels of pain" will always be there; but perhaps better understood and accepted, with the wisdom that time and reflection can bring.
    Beautiful photos. Your sky is more intense than mine!

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  2. How beautifully you write and one can feel in your words the depth of your experience.

    In response to the question you left on my blog my mother sat me down, told me she had achieved her life purpose and I was not to be sad when she left. She had peace and gave it to me in her last days.

    I have however experienced people leaving this world without such resolution, and their needs have effected me on many levels.

    My heart goes out to you.

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  3. After reading this post...I will count myself blessed that my childhood beliefs are stronger today that they were when I was a child.

    You do write beautifully, with meaning and depth!!!

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  4. What a great comparison of a thunderstorm with emotion and feelings. I like the part where you talk about the baby part of your sould, I suppose we all have parts like that who still dreams, hopes and wonders.
    Hope you feel more sunny today!

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  5. Very desriptive....old parcels of pain. Sending prayers to you and your family that you may walk through this hard time somehow easier or at least with courage and strength.

    tea
    xo

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  6. I absolutely love Storm Clouds, I am not much of a sunlight kind of person, I prefer dramatic, dark, "stormy" settings.

    Excellent Photos! thanks :)

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  7. Change your views. See yourself as the light. Be the light. Be the wind that blows away all dark clouds. Let the universe deal with the darkness and you become the white gold illuminace. Know that you have inside you what is needed to make the whole of the universe shimmer and glow. When a thought of the storms enter your mind let them go fast and become the light. When you get to this point then there are no conflicts and you need no answer for you are the soulution, you are the energy that soothes. Love yourself and the situations you have become and then love will be attracted to you. You are the magnet. Throw away your emotional umbrella and let the sun enter your soul. Try it, it does work.

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  8. Goatman, once I accept a situation or person, once I let go and let God...those pain parcels tend to disappear. Most times. Thanks for understanding so well the process it takes.

    Artist...thank you. It is an enormously emotional time. As four sisters who are not close, who rarely understand each other, we now must work together. But we're not.

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  9. Lovely, Janey...childhood beliefs are great...if they're the right ones!

    Have a great time at that rodeo of yours!

    Hann...yes, after distancing myself and going inside for awhile...I feel much better today!

    Tea, thank you for the prayers...so much appreciated! And I will try for as much balance as I can find!

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  10. Matt, I love clouds of any sort. Barbara...over at Spirit Blooms, has a great post on clouds. She's listed on my link list.

    Glad you enjoyed the photos!

    Dave, your comment reads like a prayer. I did this yesterday, and it is amazing what peace one can find, even in the midst of turmoil.

    Changing my views always works. It's a process for me, seemingly, to get there.It's not that I don't know this...I just 'forget' for awhile...until I get tired of what I'm doing to myself, lol!

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  11. One great post after another. I really need to break away from work more often and check out my blogging friends!

    Hope you're in the midst of a great week.

    If you get a chance, interested in what you think of my new project...
    A Photographer's Eye

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  12. It's okay to experience grief before her passing. I did, with my mom, when she was ill. I didn't realize I was grieving already, until one day I brushed past a table that held my crystals and gemstones and they seemed to explode off it. Two Apache tears cracked apart. Since they hit a carpeted floor, I wondered if they broke apart and then fell, filled with my grief to the bursting point, grief that I'd denied myself because she was still with us.

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  13. Great photos.

    I am always amazed how tension builds up in people before the storm and then releases when the the rain comes down. But shouldn't really be as we are so tied into nature on Earth that it has to affect us as much as the moon affects both us and the oceans.

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  14. Kilroy, I loved the waterfall... Very nicely done! Glad you made it over, it's good to see you!

    Barbara, I can imagine the energy vibration of held in grief would be enough to shatter the Apache Tears. There are so many stages of grief. I tend to go through a lot of the stages before the actual event, going through anger, denial, depression, bargaining, etc.

    And you're right. I also felt a little guilty because I was grieving before she died. Thank you.

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  15. Speaking for myself, you're absolutely right, Jackie. Weather affects me as much as the Moon does...there is a difference in mood that I immediately recognize when the weather changes.

    When storms blow in, it seems I become hyper sensitive and very aware.

    Thanks for mentioning that...it's an interesting topic for me!

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