Thursday, January 14, 2010

Indisposed and Out of Sorts


I made a list in December of things I wanted to get done during the cold and dark days of January. That list has been put aside for now.

I have the flu. Now, I received both the seasonal flu shot and the H1N1 flu shot. It seems there is a Beast of a Bug who has not been included in the mixture for the shots. And that Beast has found me...and Graham, and a score of others whom I have spoken with recently.


The Bug attacks in a soft, silent way. To begin, one's only want is sleep. Sleep overtakes in any situation; I was stirring a pot of soup and felt myself drifting off at least a couple of times. I slept as I ate, waking with food in my mouth. The only way I could stay awake was to keep moving. It was decidedly odd.


And then, after one has slept for what feels like a few centuries...the Bug strikes. Suddenly, sleep is a thing of the past. Very quickly, one's breathing is completely compromised. My nose, stuffy and red, is sore from repeated blowing and dabbing, my eyes, swollen and very pink, weep constantly, and I sneeze and sneeze and sneeze...


But the Bug will not stop there.  It is not enough that one's head feels enveloped in mucous; the Bug desires the chest cavities as well as the sinus. I cough and sneeze now, in quick succession, and attempt to block the Bug laden spray I know must be falling all over me and everything nearby.


The Bug will not, in the heat of his battle with one's mucous membranes, allow one to do anything other than move from bed to couch. And there one lies, staring into space, mouth open and breathing with difficulty. Sleep, that wondrous thing which just a short time ago was such a cross, now evades...disappearing into the ethers of memory.

At certain times, I become angry. How can this situation have come about, I ask myself, when I have done everything the medical system tells me to do? I have had the shots, I wash my hands at every place that has a station, I take my vitamins...and still the Bug found me.


I want to blame someone or something. I want accountability for my being ill. I want to stamp my feet and yell, engage in extremely childish behaviour...if only I had the strength to do so.




One must recover, at some point, I tell myself, from the Bug's onslaught.  But right now, the World is passing me by...I have not the concentration or the will to keep up with it.


I will fight myself out of the morass of mucous. I will dry out. The endless coughing will cease. The Bug will depart, in his own good time, sped on his way, perhaps, by the bombardment of various cold and flu remedies.



I will end my close association with the couch. With great determination, I will take January's list of things to do, and I will have the energy to do them.

This is how I pacify myself, when I am unable to do anything of consequence, when I want to join the World which is passing me by, when I want to clean the dust I see gathering on every available surface.


Wait, I counsel myself. Accept this Bug's war on my body. Accept the fact that rest will speed healing.  Accept that papers and books and dust and writing and crafts and hobbies will all still be there, when I am well. Take the enforced downtime, and be thankful that I can. 


I tell myself to be grateful my indisposition is only due to a rather rapacious flu Bug.


And that the World will still be there, when I am ready to ride forward once again...

22 comments:

  1. Marion, I'm so sorry you've had this beastly bug. You're the umpteenth person I know of who got the flu shot, then the flu. I've never had a flu shot and haven't had the flu in over 20 years. So I avoid the shots! Anyhoo, I sincerely hope you're over the worst of it and are better soon! Love & Blessings!

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  2. Hello Marion,

    Not fun!

    Your body is sick but by the tone of this post, your mind and spirit are just fine. Hug your pillow and know that I am sending you healing vibes for a speedy recovery.

    Be well!

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  3. What misery, Marion. There is a reason I NEVER EVER get flu shots. I cannot tell you how many times I've known people to get shots and then - wham - they are sick as a dog. That being said, as you recover, rest. Do NOT push yourself. I promise, you will get sick again. Don't mean to curse you. That seems to be the way of this bug. January may come and go but February is ready and waiting to take on the list. Hugs, Annie

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  4. Oh Marion - I'm so sorry to hear that you're sick. I am sending reiki & love to your nemesis, The Bug, in hopes that this will help ... and of course sending reiki & love to you as well :oD You'll be feeling better in no time ... and I always find that after being ill, life seems a little brighter than before.

    Hang in there ~ Nicole

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  5. oh dear. i hope you feel better soon.

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  6. Marion,

    This is the first time in my life I have ever received flu shots. Heeding the warnings from my doctor and others, since I have underlying medical conditions, I thought it best to take the shots this time. Graham didn't knuckle under; he's sick as well, although his Bug turned into bronchitis.

    Having heard from others over the years how ill they got after receiving the flu shot, I can now say I am one of them.

    Miruh,

    I'm so glad you're blogging again. I've missed you...and your wisdom! Thank you for the healing vibes...I really appreciate that!

    Annie,

    No kidding...I have my doubts about whether I will have the flu shot again. I haven't been this sick in years. Poor Graham, though, he feels as if he's drowning, his chest is so plugged up. He'll be going for x-rays today.

    I've heard this flu continues to return, just as you say. My problem is, as soon as I begin to feel better, I go at it...cleaning house, rearranging my office, etc. This time, I am going to try NOT to do that!

    Nicole,

    What a lovely comment! And thank you for the Reiki...without it, I know I wouldn't be anywhere near to recovery.

    And you're right...after fighting off an illness, the World really does look brighter. And then there's the New Moon, which always propels me forward. And I can't forget the eclipse last night, either.

    Alison,

    It can't last much longer...I've been sick since New Year's Eve. Tooooo long, lol! My impatience is showing!

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  7. Marion, I hope you are feeling better soon. I got the H1N1 shot only because I was going to visit my pregnant daughter and new grandson soon but otherwise I have never had the flu shot and have not had the flu in 20 years. To be honest I am quite surprised that I have not come in contact with in my travels.
    Drink lots of fluids and go to bed and I hope you are well soon.
    Smiles and blessings

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  8. hello heart sister, i hope by now you are better and maybe best. i have missed you and thought of you, always with a smile.

    i get the flu shot every year and i do not get the flu. maybe it's magical thinking but i think it works for me. just me, of course.

    ♥ kj

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  9. Okay Marion I don't know how you did it.

    How did you make something that sounds so dreadful look so pretty.

    Get well soon.

    xoxoxo

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  10. Oh dear. This sounds dreadful. I agree w/you though. REST is the key word to recovery. I too am blessed with a life that when I become sick I can rest rest. About 8 yrs ago I had a dreadful flu. I thought I was dying. Couch bed syndrome too. It took a loooooong time to leave my body. But at the worst point, whilst on the couch, I challenged myself. Ok. Feel what you are feeling right now. In about an hour, feel it again and see what has changed. Something has always shifted and changed, I found out. Even though the larger picture seems to be that nothing is changing, on a micro level I could discern movement and change and that gave me sustinence. That and listening to tapes about that English vet guy whose name is slipping my mind, which is so much about life and birth and...well, sometimes death but still it seemed to help. blessings, suki

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  11. Dear Marion,
    January can be such a dreary time and sorry to hear that you are ill. I hope that you recover soon. The flu can really dissipate one's energy. Sending warm, healing energy from California.

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  12. Carolyn,

    I hope you are enjoying your trip back east...by the looks of your amazing photos, it seems as if you are! I'm glad you didn't come into contact with the blasted Bug, especially since there is a new grandbaby coming!

    kj,

    I'm not sure why I got sick, but I remember not feeling very well just after I received the shot. But they tell me that is common.

    The flu shot helps too many people for me to dismiss it completely. I will do some more research as to why I'm so sick...one of the reasons, perhaps, may be that I was exposed to the flu BEFORE I got the shot.

    Too late to worry about it now! I'll be up and around in no time, I've convinced myself of that.

    Renee,

    The photos of the Bug are bright and cheery, aren't they, lol! They are not so happy and gay when they are lodged inside the body! Thank you for your best wishes...and I hope the bats have left you and that you continue to have a good, loving time with your mother.

    Suki,

    What an amazing comment! Thank you. Of course, things shift and change quickly...I am not always aware of it. I will practice doing the same. This will be so interesting! I can't think of the English vet guy's name, either...Herriot(?), perhaps? Listening by tape is the perfect way...no straining swollen eyelids by reading!

    Princess,

    It's great to see you! And thank you for the warm energy from California...that will help for sure. I imagine those soft, warm breezes wrapping themselves around me on a lovely beach somewhere. That's the thing...one can go anywhere in one's mind if one is confined to a couch!

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  13. I know a few people who have come down with the flu after having the flu jab. Poor you, but Marion think yourself lucky......you could have had...... man flu....and we men know how bad that is!!!

    As my Granny said, "feed a cold and starve a fever". Hope you're on the road to recovery, all the best. Dave

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  14. Davem,

    Ha Ha! I'm really, really glad I didn't get it, since I know how terrible the man flu is...there is nothing as bad.

    On the serious side, Graham actually has viral bronchial pneumonia and is reealllly sick. He's gone a little beyond the man flu! But I believe he's on his way to getting better...

    I'm glad the Sun came out for you, Dave!

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  15. Sweet Marion that you were there with your Mom in the end must have meant so much. We all have regrets I am sure, but in the end, I don't know if they take such import. They are not as important as the time that you were getting to spend.

    xoxo

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  16. You poor thing. Flu isn't nice. Wish you hadn't had the H1N1 flu shot..very little evidence it does any good if you get swine flu and really screws with your health.

    By the way found where you can get Friars Balsam online in Canada http://www.canadadrugsuperstore.com/more.asp?ProductID=24941

    You will find it will also help you as well as Graham to clear up any chest problems left after the flu :)

    Get better soon.

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  17. Perhaps by now you are feeling a little better. I hope so. There is a side of illness that can be... well transparent and lead to insight. Hoping the best for you.

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  18. Marion,

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly. I will send you some Reiki and say a prayer for you. Rest and nurture yourself, and feel better soon. You are surrounded by much love, and it will heal you :)

    Sherri

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  19. Renee,

    Yes. There were regrets regarding my mom's life and mine; in the end, there was understanding on my part of her outlook on life, which came from experiences I could never imagine.

    When she died, however, I felt like I was on the front lines...there was no longer a parent between me and death, no longer a parent who would hold me up. Don't know if I explained that correctly...it was an odd feeling.

    I hope for a warm and peaceful time for your family and your mom.

    Jackie,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to find Friar's Balsam! There is a very small health food store here which has offered to order it for me. That was a super post of yours, by the way! These old remedies cannot be forgotten when YOU sharpen your pen! You're such a sweetheart, Jackie, thanks again.

    Princess,

    You are right about the insight. The fevered dreams I had were colourful, memorable and had something to tell me, each and every one. And the resting...well, there was a lot of thinking going on!

    Sherri,

    Thank you for the Reiki. I know it is helping me, since I am feeling ever so much better, mostly. And I think even Graham, whom I had to take to emergency at the hospital for inability to breathe, is inching ever so slowly towards feeling better. His bronchial passages were almost completely closed and he could not get air.

    Every time I get an illness, I know I've built up immunity towards it, which makes me very happy. Now if I can just avoid the 300 or so other bugs not included in the flu shot!!!!

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  20. NONE of that sounds good! Hope by the time you are able to read this, you are feeling much better! There's always some bug out there lying in wait.

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  21. Pauline,

    I'm on the mend! Now if I can just get Graham feeling better, we'll be good to go...!

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  22. ugh, being sick is awful. When you're sick it's hard to remember being well or believe that you will be well again.

    I take it you're better now? Hope so. People used to die from the flu! We're fortunate to live in this day and age.

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