The Wheel grinds slowly these days.
The minutes and hours seem longer than usual, when I look to the future...instead of where I am, in the present moment.
However, it seems I must test these things; so I find myself wandering off to a date in the future, when this will have happened and that will appear.
I notice, as always , time slows to a trickle, as my anticipation of the future grows.
I muse...Is this how children feel? Is this terrible, disorienting, joyous anticipation of a decision which will change my life, once again, exactly how children feel, as they look towards Christmas Day?
I think it is.
I remember it now. Time slows to a crawl.
How many more sleeps?...I remember asking, over and over again, with the desperate hope inside that perhaps, somehow, some way, a couple of sleeps had occurred, just when I wasn't looking.
This kind of anticipation surely wakes all the bodies...the spiritual, mental, physical and emotional...ohhh, the emotional bodies. It feels as if I might crawl out of my skin, it feels too tight to breathe. All senses are heightened, as I wait for a decision.
Each morning, as I wake, I wonder what day it is, how much closer am I to knowing...?
As a child, I learned that the anticipation of a holiday is sometimes more exciting than the actual event. And so, I try to balance the excitement with that thought in mind. I list all the cons...and yet, the pros still outweigh.
And the excitement spirals once again.
That wild exhilaration leads to contrariness. It led to contrary behaviour when I was a child; it is no different now.
“If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of troubles” Elbert Hubbard quotes (American editor, publisher and writer, 1856-1915
“Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today.”Seneca quotes (Roman philosopher, mid-1st century AD)
Living in the present moment. Today will not come again.
“An intense anticipation itself transforms possibility into reality; our desires being often but precursors of the things which we are capable of performing.”Samuel Smiles quotes (Scottish author, 1812-1904)
Then again, when I was a child, I would try and will into being that new doll I wanted so badly under the Christmas Tree...and who's to say I didn't? It was certainly there.
And so, as I try to live these next few days like a mature adult, I still find the dreams and hopes take centre stage...I still believe if I only will it...
Sometimes changes appear that I required badly but did not know it. Sometimes I am broadsided, looking like Grandfather Tree when he takes a blast from the North Wind.
The harbinger of change became apparent on the same day the man in the Homburg hat appeared, with his convoluted message. The bombardment of messages from different beings...I could not, after awhile, ignore them or explain them away.
Even as my faith grew, it wavered with doubt...but the doubt and negative thinking is fast disappearing with the synchronicities being displayed.
It appears my path in life is taking a thrilling curve...and I guess I'll go along for the ride.
And when I come to this realization, this knowing that I can let go and let God...I remember how, as a child, I would come to a point where I had done all I could to receive a much loved item that would be mine on Christmas Eve. I would sigh with relief...the fever pitch of excited anticipation and the patience required to wait had quite worn me out.
So it is today. Now. At this moment. What's done is done. And the waiting is part of the test.
“Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles.”
Samuel Smiles quotes (Scottish author, 1812-1904)
I wait. With hope and faith and finally, acceptance of the outcome.