Thursday, July 20, 2006
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts .... "
The foregoing quote is one I have always remembered, from way back when...too many years for me to count, some days.
The experiences I have had throughout my life have changed me many times over. Some of the lessons I have been given to learn from my time on the earth plane have been absorbed; some have not.
Other lessons just need practice; I have become aware of them. I have become aware of how my belief system has shaped the person who I am. And, in finding those beliefs, in dragging them out from the corners of my mind...I am able to question. Do I really believe those opinions or actions I have? If I saw them in another person, would I necessarily be attracted to their belief? Where is the root of my actions and opinions?
Most of my beliefs have their roots in childhood, as most belief systems do. My mother and I spoke the other day about housekeeping. My mother stated that throughout her life, her belief was that clutter had to be organized, had to be returned, immediately after use, to their original spot. By her words or actions, as a small child, I understood it was not a good thing to leave things laying about. In fact, it made me anxious. The consequences could be dire.
And therein lies the seed of my need to instantly put used glasses off the counter into the dishwasher. And the urge to immediately clear the table after dinner, sometimes even before the last fork has been laid upon the plate. The need to instantly put away the kids' toys, just because for a moment, they laid them on the table. And the inability to sit down and relax, until every last thing was done.
These were not popular actions, to the folks around me. What was the rush? So I tried to stop the behavior, but I still felt the anxiety...which was then squashed somehow. At least until I could clean things up.
I had no idea why I felt anxious about such a little thing. It was an aha! moment for me when Mom told me her belief about housekeeping. It was a relief to finally tell her that I had to stop myself from behaving the same. Her reasons for her behavior may be different from mine, but my belief came directly from watching and feeling her actions during my childhood years. Her anxiety at disorder around her transferred itself to me, but I was far too young to know if it was warranted or not.
It is such a relief to know I can leave things out now, sometimes for days, without anxiety that the world will come crashing down. I never understood my behavior because I don't really care if a glass sits on a counter for more than five minutes, if dinner dishes are not cleaned up by bedtime...if...if...if. But a deep-rooted, hidden belief that punishment was inevitable for messiness kept the behavior well watered and nourished.
That particular belief will no longer be fertilized by me foolishly walking around finding items to return to their space, thereby wasting a good deal of energy. I am an adult now; childlike fears can be put to bed. But I had to understand where this one came from in order to complete the circle and stop all facets of this behavior, instead of squashing them.
As my beliefs change, as I become more aware of energy draining behavior, as I change...my persona becomes different. There is a surety in behavior that comes from finding my truth; and not what I believe because I was told to, or felt some trepidation if I did not.
I've played many parts throughout my life. I hope to now live it by making decisions based on what I feel is true.
But first, I have to ferret out all those weird and wonderful, deeply hidden beliefs I hold so tightly...the ones that aren't mine.